On the 21st I finally started having regular contractions, especially when Mum and James were walking me around the hospital and the up by the river. I was beginning to think my plans for not having an epidural was a little silly because, seriously, they hurt! James was absolutely wonderful. While we were walking, we had to stop every two minutes and James would put his arms around me and help me rock back and forwards, even though we were out in the open and everyone could see us. He was so strong and helped me through each new pain as they came.
Time passed and nothing much else happened. I was so tired. The doctor arrived in the evening to check how things were going and broke my waters, which made my contractions so much worse. Then he told us we had two options, a caesar or have a drip and see how labour goes, with the very real possibility of having to have an emergency caesar the next morning.
James and I talked it over and decided to go ahead with the caesar as an emergency caesar would be much more traumatic for both Ellie and I. I was upset in the moments leading up to our decision. I had not wanted to have to take this road, I was exhausted and scared but as the midwife got me ready with tight white 'socks' and a hospital gown I began to feel calm.
The theater staff were wonderful, holding my hands and talking to my while I had a spinal put in which happened to coincide with the last contraction I would feel. I was laid on the table and a sheet was put up between my neck and my body and I started to worry as James still hadn't been brought in and I could feel the Doctor tugging. Before I could get too nervous, James arrived, all decked out like a doctor.
It was a strange experience, nothing hurt but I could feel tugging and pulling. Eventually, there was a cry and I knew my baby girl was okay. I was so relieved and overwhelmed. I looked at James and he had tears in his eyes, at that moment I knew I should never have been worried about him bonding with her. They took her, cleaned her and had James cut the cord then wrapped her and gave her to him. He looked so proud. I watched him with her while the doctor fixed me up. It was over so quick!
Once I was stitched up I was taken to recovery where I got to hold her for a moment before James and the midwife went and took her up to maternity to be checked, weighed and dressed. I was a little bit distressed when they left me there, especially after such a short hold of my precious baby girl.
For the first few days it was tough, I was confined to the bed and was unable to do much more than feed her. It was good that James was so into looking after her, that he was so besotted by her from the very first moment he saw her. At the same time I felt distressed that I couldn't get up and do anything for her, especially when everyone else left at night and it was just me and her.
I really disliked being in the hospital, I hated the nights and early mornings alone. I found that when I did need a midwife and buzzed them they were often with the people either side of my room as they had babies that seemed to cry all the time and my calls would either go unanswered, bring a nurse who wasn't from the maternity ward and couldn't really help or brought a midwife who would "Be right back." but never managed to come back.
Every morning I would intently watch the clock and wait for James or mum to turn up and every morning it seemed to be later when they eventually turned up, which I found very upsetting.
By the time I left I was so ready to go!!
Now, we're two weeks, two days down the track. I'm tired, the house is a mess and every single day is different from the one before. For the most part, Ellie's doing well. Sometimes, we have tough days where she has bad gas and cries alot - I hate those days because I hate her being upset and in pain. Every day she seems bigger, more alert and interested in whatever's going on. I worry about everything, as a new mum does. My biggest worry currently is how much time Ellie gets with James now that he's back at work. I'm worried the novelty has worn off for him, that he's too tired from work and our sleepless nights to be as doting as he has been before now. I worry about my ability to cope with so little sleep and so much to worry about and so little down time. But she's beautiful, such a character and I'm so glad we accidentally fell pregnant!
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