Oh the Irony

It doesn't escape me that barely 12 hours after posting my November Project Smile, I ended up in the Mental Health ward in our local hospital. And I had no idea. No idea that I was feeling as overwhelmed and stressed as everyone else apparently knew I was.

That night, after recording all my smiles for the previous month, was a long one. Jasper didn't settle. He simply wouldn't. I was exhausted, the girls had pushed the limits to breaking point through out the day. I asked James to stay awake with me, and in hindsight I suppose I knew I was not doing so well in that moment, but the poor thing was so tired and couldn't. Apparently, I yelled at him numerous times about falling asleep. I don't remember that.

In the morning I had pain in my wound and was feeling sick to my stomach, when I called to see if my Doctor - who was booked solid - could fit me in, I was told to come immediately. I thought I had an infection, but it seemed my Doctor was thinking along a different line. The moment he saw me he was asking how I was feeling, how I was coping and suddenly it dawned on me that I was a little 'mental' as James so eloquently puts it.

The fact that I suffered Post Natal Depression after Kahlei, my pre-disposition to the illness, my botched c-section, general after-newborn lack of sleep and the busy life of a mother of three (two of which are in major attudeous territory at the moment) accumulated into a landslide which turned into a meltdown.

At first, I felt like a failure. I couldn't survive a single week alone with my children and that weighed heavily on my heart and mind. I stressed about the pressure my hospital admittance put on James as he took time off work and had to deal with the drama that (currently) is our daughters. I worried about the future of our family; if I couldn't see out the week after Nanna's departure then how was I going to raise happy, healthy, well-rounded children? The guilt was amazing. Crushing. And as I sat and fed Jasper, for what felt like the hundredth time in an hour, on a cold couch all on my own I shed many tears for where I was, what had happened, what I was doing and how it was effecting my family. It was a dark moment.

But, somehow, that time in the hospital did what my Doctor intended. I saw a mental health worker, numerous midwives visited and I was linked to services I never thought I would have to utilise and somehow I started forming plans and thoughts on how to get through this struggle to have a happy, healthy family life and to get through day-to-day.

It means letting people help, it means asking and insisting for help when needed, it means letting community workers into my home and life, where I would never have otherwise. It means doing what ever it takes to overcome the isolation and loneliness to keep me afloat. And it means little steps, little plans of moments to look forward to. It means changes. It means focusing on doing something just for me daily.

It means the world, my world can stay in the light.

 

P.S. I would love to hear other stories on how people coped with PND, on what you did just for you to get you through. Any ideas, thoughts, stories you would like to share would be greatly appreciated!

Father's Day FAIL

A Nice Moment

I had the best of intentions when I awoke this morning. I was going to wrap James's pressies, cook a delicious breakfast and put on some cupcakes for later in the day.

After mopping up after the girls and their new favourite morning ritual of spraying each other with water, I realised the power was still out, after very strong winds last night had caused a black out. I collected the pressies to wrap, only to discover that the beautiful hand print/keepsake/paperweight (I got the idea here) that the girls had made weren't dry and the one Kahlei had made for James was cracked and broken. I had been so excited about them, too! On top of that, I had to give him I.O.U's and I knew the gifts I actually had weren't going to go that well.

While we waited to start on breakfast, the girls and I read some books, before the two of them played Hide 'n Seek in their own special style. At one point, Ellie disappeared and I assumed it was to go to the toilet only to discover she had gone in to James to ask if he wanted to go to Bunnings. Don't ask me why, but she is completely obsessed with going to Bunnings...

By 9.30, the power still hadn't come back on, but I decided we would go and give Daddy his presents and a cuddle. As he unwrapped his The Stig mug he said "It's not as exciting now that he's not 'The Stig'." (Yes, honey, you said it out loud!) The mug was followed by body wash in a The Stig figurine, I thought it was cool at the time I bought it. Now that he has an identity, he's not cool at all, the whole appeal was the mystery.

Thankfully, present time led to play time for Daddy and Ellie followed by some family hysterics over Talking Tom; one of our newest iPhone apps.

A lovely breakfast of Corn Flakes led to James noticing one of the girl's bikes had ended up in the garden, on top of some of his new plants in all the wind. Unfortunately, that was the least of our worries once he went to inspect the damage.  Our beautiful big Sheoak, that gives us privacy and the girls love to climb, had cracked under the pressure of the winds and ended up warping our back colour bond fence and landing on our neighbour's shade house.

Another tree from our lower neighbour's ended up on our side fence, somehow not breaking it, even though it's daggy and barely looks like it could withstand the weight. James went out to do some cleaning up while I called the SES. I spent 15 minutes on hold before my mobile's service cut out (and it still hasn't returned).

At nap time we realised we didn't have anything we could eat without heating, cooking, toasting... Disaster.

James declared "Well, Father's Day is ruined, we may as well go see my dad." Apparently, he didn't mean it as it sounded.. He tells me he meant why ruin his father's day, too, by not visiting. Mmm hmm.

We managed to find the one shop in the area that was open and cooking (thank you gas) for lunch before spending the afternoon at grandpa's.

To top it all off, when we got home our back neighbour had chopped off some branches and thrown them into our garden bed, on top of our new plants because the SES hadn't arrived. I don't know why you would expect anything different, I am pretty sure they'd be quite busy...

Maybe we should try Father's Day next weekend and pretend today didn't happen?