How Will We be Effected?

I have never written in here about my diagnosis of Post Natal Depression after Kahlei's birth. Not intentionally, as such, it just happened like that. But, many of the first months after Kahlei was born were beyond difficult for me. Even though she was a much better baby than Ellie in terms of sleeping, routine, feeding... you know, all that baby stuff, I still found it much more challenging than my first months with my non-sleeping, must be held and rocked at all times first child.

Now that Phoenix's arrival is just three weeks, one day away I am starting to worry how I will cope. There are the obvious worries, like how am I going to survive getting up during the night again, when with a full night's sleep I am still waking up tired and then there's the fear of how I will react mentally and emotionally.

Apart from the fact that I have suffered from depression previously and that I am predisposed to the condition I honestly believe that my isolation, loneliness and lack of physical support had a lot to do with my suffering PND. I had never had any intention of having a third child here. I wanted to be surrounded by people I trusted and could rely on before I ventured back into baby territory. I wanted to be sure that I could stave off any ill effects of isolation and at least have a support network to fall back on if a new baby means more PND.

So, now that we're so close to meeting our bubba boy and seemingly still so far away from moving, I can't help but wonder what the following months will bring for myself and my family - other than than the addition of our gorgeous new boy. Especially, considering I am not even off my meds ...

 I am doing all I can to stay positive, but sometimes panic comes at me from nowhere. Especially, as we leave Bathurst, to return home. It's just not something I want to do. I want to stay where I know I have friends and family and surrounded by love. Where I feel my whole family is surrounded by what they need.