Today, Cate from keepcatebusy is sharing a little advice about the advice you recieve as a new mum. Cate is a mum to three girls and is on an ispired journey of doing one productive thing each day for 365 days that brings her joy. Follow her to get inspired!
What's Your Advice?
Warning: advice contained within this post – proceed with caution…
Advice…we all seek it, and we all give it. I for one like to give it purely to save others
from making all the same mistakes that I seem to have to make to learn anything! So
this post is about advice for new mums – what makes good advice, what makes bad
advice, who to ask for advice, and what to do with that advice. But please, bear in
mind, this is just my advice, and it’s worth the money you are paying for it!
Good Advice
Good advice for new mums comes in two main forms
1. The ‘this is what worked for me’ type
2. and the ‘please feel free to ignore this advice’ type
(or a mixture of the two)
The first is great because you can assess whether or not the person who is giving you
the advice is someone whose example you want to follow. You can see the outcomes
and decide whether or not it will work in your situation.
The second is vital to making you comfortable. What works for someone will never
exactly translate to your situation anyway, so there will always be parts you want to
ignore.
Bad Advice
Kaz Cooke in her excellent book ‘Up the Duff’ said that when someone gives you
advice it is more about the person giving the advice than it is about you. I cling to this
when being given bad advice.
Bad advice tends to come in only one main form: the ‘you must do this’ type.
For example, you must breastfeed/you must bottlefeed. You must start solids at 6
months,/you must start solids at 4 months. You must only feed baby on demand/you
must only feed baby in 2/3/4 hour intervals, etc etc etc. And of course, the inevitable
must, you must take this advice - I will be crushed/devastated/horrified/humiliated
(etc) if you don’t. Guilt goes hand-in-hand with bad advice. But remember, it is about
them, not you – say it with me…about them, not you.
Who to ask for advice
Personal choice, and probably changes with different situations.
Like, your mother-in-law might give great advice on recipes for baby food, but not so
much on whether that rash is a food intolerance or meningococcal. And obviously that
little old lady behind me in the queue at the chemist who challenged me on the sex of
my baby (‘really, are you sure, she looks more like a boy?’), well she’s not the one to
ask either.
A really good maternal and child health nurse is a vital resource too (if you don’t like
your local one you can go to any centre). Mine is worth her weight in gold!! Three
kids later and she still returns my calls…now that’s endless patience!
Other mums is a really tricky one. They can give great advice in the ‘this worked for
me’ category, but it can often become a breeding ground for competitive behaviour
if you’re not careful (what do you mean little Johnny isn’t walking/talking/creating
abstract origami at his age??) – so be choosy about who you ask.
What to do with the advice
This is easy. Even if you thought really carefully about who to ask. Even if they are
an expert in their field and you really respect them, you still have two choices.
If the advice isn’t what you expected them to say, isn’t what you wanted them to say,
or just makes you feel down right uncomfortable/guilty/sick to the stomach, then
ignore it and try another resource. They might give you the same advice, in which
case you may have to rethink your position, but again, that’s up to you. You’re the
parent. You know your child and your situation better than anyone else, so trust your
instincts.
So I’ll leave you with my best piece of advice to new mums: the night feeds, the
crying, the settling and the resettling might seem like it will never end, but it really
is a very short part of their lives. You will look back on it before you know it and
think ‘oh my god, I survived!’
So that’s my advice…please feel free to ignore it!
I would love to hear your best pieces of advice – please leave them so new mums can
take encouragement from the collective wisdom of all you lovely bloggers out there!
Thanks for reading...
xxxCate
8 comments:
OH yeah, as a mother of 4, i've heard it all. I've had people ask anything & everything, clearly i'm wide eyed & happy to answer??
Best advise . . . people/ strangers are normally asking as they have their own issue with the question. Be it breastfeeding, marriage, how many children, how long your labour was, how old you are, if you work, it's competitive. Just know it's YOUR baby & your life, no one else is going to raise it or love it as much as you. The only prize is a happy, healthy, well adjusted member of society at the end!!
You have to be super confident about parenting, as you have to be strong about family comments, strangers' opinions, then teachers' ideas . . . it never ends. Mother guilt it a waste of time, own what you do & believe it's for the family.
Wishing you all the very best in the world with your new baby, those were the happiest days in my life, at home with 4 little ones. Love Posie
Yes those were my happiest days too at home raising children, although I must admit my life now, (retired) is excellent.
My suggestion is to parent 'gradually and with love' when you introduce new things or are supporting your child's growth.
One of my favorite things I learned was when two or more of my children fight, send them all to their room or whatever you do. Don't spend any time trying to figure out whose fault it is. That only ends up with everyone feeling less loved. Your children may grouse at you but they will stay more connected to each other and learn that they can't get the other one in trouble; it involves them too.
Another suggestion is to give people, as much as possible what they need and not what you want them to have.
I like to give suggestions in threes; that way it is easier for the person to ignore what doesn't fit them and go with what does.
XD
Perfect advice, Cate. I tell every new mum that her new mantra should be "This, too, shall pass". A reminder that we can get through anything and also that time flies in hindsight. x
My partner and I really enjoyed reading this blog post, I was just itching to know do you trade featured posts? I am always trying to find someone to make trades with and merely thought I would ask.
It's all about perspective. If you can bear in mind that it doesn't last forever, it makes every day easier to bear.
My best advice, as mother of five, 'enjoy the journey', take time to decide what is important to do in a day and do it taking notice of the moments, the process and your surroundings. Don't get involved in stuff that just keeps you busy. You will never visit that day again! (and sometimes that's a great thought too!)
With two young boys the 'this too will pass' advice is the best! And the night feeds too.
On a practical level I'd say don't bother buying a baby bath as it is so much hassle to set up and it is so lovely to shower and bath with baby together. Use that money towards a king size bed - with 3 plus people in it on any given night/morning, it is worth the investment!
I hope new moms read this before the "journey start" . I'd say to consider advice only if:
*responds precisely to a situation
[not general things based on the huge experience of...]
*considers your well being and feelings also.
[a mom is not only context to a certain problem, she may be the most important part of the game. sacrificing her comfort for whatever principle is missing the big picture.]
I wish I'd see less mistakes on these
Well, just a general advice ;)
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