Success and Such

Lotsa Labels. If I have to write my name again I may just scream

The photos are printed and mounted, labels have been bought, written on and adhered, entry form filled out and the final product has been delivered to the show office.

I'm nervous. I'm excited. Most of me is happy and enjoying this new challenge, savouring it. However, there's still that pressure. That part of me which desires a card, a ribbon. That part of me that wants to be a success.

It is something that I have been struggling with of late.

I love being a mum. I love staying home with my Munchies and I would not have it any other way. Yet, at the same time I yearn to be something. To do something. And to be good at it. Plus, a little cash in my pocket wouldn't go astray.

In particular I want success in my photography endeavours (obviously) and in the blog world. Until the past six months or so I didn't even know there were awards and acclamations for bloggers. I've never been an awards person. I have never even received a trophy in my life. And suddenly, here I am less than two months off 28 (what? How'd THAT happen?) wanting some kind of acknowledgement, wanting to be better.

The recent Aussie Mummy Bloggers with the X-Factor Awards (congratulations lovely Glowless on your win) opened my eyes to how I have been feeling. I, in no way, put myself in the same category as the amazing bloggers entered in that competition, it just made me realise I want to be more. I want to be nominated for something. I want to be recognised. Which means I need to be worth recognition. I would like to know what it feels like to have Award Fatigue, for a moment - until it got annoying.

Plus, I really want an iPad2.

I am a nominee for the Sydney Writers' Centre Best Australian Blogs for 2011... where I may - or may not - have nominated myself. I honestly don't remember doing it but I am certain I must have before promptly forgetting.

So, now begins the two week wait to see my prints displayed. Successfully.

Is There Such a Thing?

Could it be possible to spend too much time blogging, building your blog's community, reading other blogs and generally floating around the blogosphere? I would have said no until tonight...

... When my dad received a Christmas gift from BeckyandJames.com!

Do you spend too much time in blogland?

Today I am grateful for:

1. Nearing the end of our Christmas shopping. In fact we have an idea of what to get everyone, which is a step in the right direction

2. Jasper being too young to realise he should be scared of Santa, so that I could get a photo of him with the man
3. Meeting Jo - My dad's friend who makes him so happy
4. Books
5. Being an adult who has no problem logging off in this Social Networking, constantly connected world (even if it is only for a little while)

Tuesday Again

I actually had in my mind that today was Thursday, I was thinking about how I only have to get through a day and a half before I can have the sleep in I so desperately need and then something triggered in my brain, reminding me that it is only Tuesday.

And I was so looking forward to a restful weekend.

*sigh*

I am feeling so run-down, sick, exhausted. To top it off, dear Aunt Flo has arrived and is gracing me with her cramp-inducing presence.  I thought I was over whatever was plaguing me last week, instead I feel even worse.

I have had lots of topics I have wanted to blog about over the past few days, unfortunately, my brain simply isn't up to the task. So, I will file them away for another day and update my Project 365 today.

Day 83: Bless

This is my cousin, Lauren with Kahlei. So cute.

Day 84: Blurry Man - May

One day I will get a nice shot...
I will!

Day 85: Missing You

Scraps obviously misses his daddy

Day 86: In The Field

Day 87: Following in Daddy's Footsteps

Ellie trying to garden in Daddy's boots

Hello World

I'm Back!!

I realise you have all been hanging out for this moment, so I couldn't draw it out any longer. Give the people what they want, I say. Or maybe I just really missed blogging... Yeah, I have posted my Project 365 photos, purely because I have promised myself I will not get behind unless I have no access to the net.

I feel like so much has gone on with Ellie and Kahlei that I haven't had time to blog and now I can't remember! I'm going to try and figure out what those things might be now, as I often use this blog to update their baby books and my diary. My Project 365 photos help me out a little with figuring out what happened when.

* Last Friday Kahlei rolled from her belly to her back and I missed it!  I had gone into the kitchen to answer the phone and when I came back around she was happily on her back, not where I had put her. She has not done it since, I think she can tell I am watching her...
* Also last Friday; Ellie and I had fun blowing bubbles

  

Becky's Toddler Friendly Bubbles
- 1/2 cup no tears baby bath
- 1 cup cold water
- 1 teaspoon sugar

* Ellie has been going to the potty more often and can wear undies for hours without wetting them
* Kahlei has become a real little chatter, more so than Ellie was at this age. She will 'talk' for ages and thinks Ellie is hilarious. They share a bath together at night and Kahlei spends the whole time smiling and laughing at Ellie. I tell Ellie "Kahlei's smiling at you" but she doesn't really pay attention. I guess it doesn't seem such a big deal to her since she's still a baby herself...
* As she's such a chatterbox, she will often have a talk to her mobile toys before she goes to sleep and Ellie will race into her room at any peep. I'll go in and find her on her tiptoes, reaching through the cot bars, trying to put her dummy back in or patting her. I tell Ellie that Kahlei is going to sleep and doesn't need her help and Ellie looks at me as if to say "Mum, you have no idea." She was making noise, after all...

 

After awhile we have another problem, when Ellie decides Kahlei has been sleeping too long and will drop everything she's doing and run towards her room say "Kaylei Kaylei Kaylei".
* Ellis has started making up and singing her own songs while dancing to them. Mostly, I don't know what she's singing, but yesterday it was 'Igglepiggle is a good boy'. A classic in the making, I should think.
* Yesterday Ellie counted to two! She has been saying "Two" after I say one for awhile, now and for the past few days she has been counting without actually counting, if you know what I mean? Basically, she would sit there and say "two, faw, bleg, sis, sis". Yesterday, she was drawing and counting as she went.
*On the drawing front, she has become a real little scribbler and delights in telling us what it is she has drawn. She used to simply jab the pencil/texta at the paper while watching me or whoever was around and not show much interest in what she was doing but now she can draw happily for AGES, so long as we take the time to listen to what she has to say about it afterwards!
* One last thing (I know, these things are really only interesting to parents and grandparents of a child). Her favourite word is minute. I must say In a minute a lot. She thinks it is so so funny when I say it and I think it is simply adorable when she copies "Mmmit" (after she's finished giggling about me saying it, of course).

Well, my blogging alarm has gone off (ie Ellie's awake).

Oh! Before I go, I wanted to mention my plans for my Thursday post. My mum has ecently aquired photoshop and I promised I would write her some tutorials on the basics, as well as anything in particular she wanted to be able to do . I'm by no means an expert, but I can get things done and have learnt much by simply sitting and fiddling with the program. So, I intend to post my first tutorial for her then. Mum, any requests? Or does anyone have any suggestions?

When to Let Go?

Firstly; Australian women - We've all heard about the Matrnity Services Review and their view on improving Maternity services in our country. If you are opposed to being told How you can birth then sign the petition to protect our right to choose. I was going to write a post about this issue in depth, however, for now I will direct you to Clare over at With Hands and Hearts Full who has done a mammoth job of addressing this topic. I suggest starting with her first post before continuing onto her subsequent entries.

And onto my post:

Today I want to touch on the subject of dreams and, more specifically, when do you decide to simply let go?

For as long as I can remeber I have wanted to be a writer. My passion for words and reading spilled out onto the page in the form of many short stories, poems and never-finished manuscripts. My short stories at school always recieved top marks and in my early teens I started my one manuscript that felt like it was going to be something big. It's a feeling I cannot describe; the passion I felt for this particular story that kept me working on it day and night. Even now, I think about those pages stored beside my bed and I get a little thrill.

As I struggled through the dark days of my teenage years (okay, that is a tad melodramatic, but it is how I felt at that time and well, who isn't a touch dramatic in thos years?) this one story became my outlet for my frustrations, anger, fears and hopes. I would even say that I became closer to the people of my imagination than my friends at some stages.

Then, life got in the way. I had a job and was living away from my parents. I had no computer, just a floppy disk (yes, really) with a copy of every story I had every started. I also had a hard copy of that one that I loved so. I would read it and re-read it. I would jot down thoughts and changes. I would dream of where the characters would go next.  I had such grand plans.

After James and I started seeing each other he bought me a laptop, the very one I work on right now. Without so much as glancing at a single page I had written, he believed in me. So happy, I typed up what I had printed with the changes I had added. I read all the ideas I had written in my notebook and then, I simply stared at the screen.

Nothing came at first, but when it did the words were forced and unnatural.

It took some time, along with several false starts, for me to realise the simple truth. I was happy. And my happy self could not go to the dark places which had first stimulated my creativity. The novel, which I had hope would scare others with it's sinister main character began to frighten me. Especially when I thought about the fact that I had written those words and created the world I now feared to enter.

For a long time I gave up on my dream and just let life take me where it would. As an uninspired Insurance Consultant I started to really get into this blog. My passion slowly started to surface again. Once Ellie arrived I found a creative outlet in photography as well and was soon thinking about starting a new manuscript; staying away from horror all together and trying something new. Maybe a kids book. As a new mother I struggled with my colicky, windy, non-sleeping baby and didn't get much of a break to really do it. I decided to wait until I had this motherhood thing under control (as under control as it can be, anyway) and could manage some time for myself.

Now, I am regularly slotting in a little 'Me' time to write here and digi scrap. So, people ask me "Why haven't you written that book?" I have many excuses, mostly they're legitamate after all I do have two kids under two, but today I got to thinking about it and...

I'm just scared.

Really. My foray into blogland in recent months has made me wonder if I have a skill at all. I have enjoyed venturing out and discovering other blogs, but have been disappointed to find people don't seem interested in mine. Once I found SITS, I thought things would look up and for a day or two I was receiving much comment love. I am still getting some, but as I visit other SITS blogs I realised they were getting many more regular reader/commenters. I have started to wonder how I can believe in a manuscript when I can't even expand my readership successfully, even with a community where the point is to support each other through comments?

I'm not throwing away my dreams because of blog (lack of) comments, but I do doubt my abilities. I do wonder if happiness and writing don't mix for me or if life has taken me too far away from that creative zone. If I start, I have to commit to giving it a good go... can I do that?

It's something I really do have to think long and hard about. I have to ask myself when do I let go of this dream I have held onto so long? Or if I do at all.

What are your thoughts? Have you given up on a dream? Do you regret it or is your life no worse off?

We're Back!

Before I get into the entry I've been planning for the past few day while our site was down, I want to pay my respects to those who have been effected by the horrific fires in Victoria, as I write this I am hearing the new statistics; the death toll has been confirmed at 173, over 700 houses have been lost, whole towns have been ruined and 20 fires continue to burn. I can't even begin to understand what people are feeling, having lost everything, but I can offer my thoughts, prayers and support.

For more information on this disaster, go here. And please DONATE through the Red Cross.

Also in our thoughts are those in North Queensland who are struggling with floods.

***

So, we're back up. The whole time we were down, all I wanted to do was write this entry!

I have a confession; I've been using another blog. The affair has been purely superficial, my heart will always be with beckyandjames.com, the thing that drew me away was my frustration at the limitations placed on me within the program we were using. I was unable to change the things I wanted to change without it being a HUGE drama, I was unable to put my photos on the server and had to go through photobucket... I was unable to comment on other blogs without a google/blogger sign in, anyway, so I figured why not give blogger a go? Why not try the whole annonimity thing?

Beckyandjames was started as a way to keep family and friends up-to-date and we have never really ventured into the true blogosphere and become social -I felt it was too hard to start connecting with other bloggers from here after so long.

At Scrappin' Me Sane I have found a community, but not through belonging to blogger as such. I had to venture out, after some time, as I was starting to wonder why I couldn't get readers or comments at all and found SITS. Once I joined in there I was surprised to find many comments on my blog, I was welcomed so warmly and have already found some awesome blogs to follow. The support provided by this site is awesome and I started wishing I had found them and participated through beckyandjames.

I have found it too difficult to keep both blogs running as I would like, so we've taken steps to give me more control here so that I can make this blog what I want it to be and I will keep my google log in but not the blog so that I can continue to follow the blogs I have become attached to.

Faithful readers; don't leave me for my indiscretion and new readers; welcome, let me know you've been :) Oh, and please be patient, we're still working on this site and how we want it to look/work, thanks!

For now I have a possible Sydney trip tomorrow that I need to pack for.