{52 Weeks} Week 38: I've Cracked It!

Studio 21

I have long been a buyer and luster of things for 'later' , for 'when I've lost the weight'. Over the years I have hung quite a few gorgeous dresses in my wardrobe as motivation. To inspire me. And they've hung there. Mocking me. Making me question why I wasn't doing more to fit into such a garment, causing guilt until I move the offending piece to a place I can no longer see it and feel the burning shame.

Most of the things I have acquired in my misguided attempt to force myself to get fit, healthy (and hot) have ended up in the clothes bin at the Salvos.

Getting married, buying a house and having children has meant I've not had the money to fund this habit of mine, instead I have looked wistfully at garments and, instead of buying them in my size I think 'I will come back once I've done what I need to do.' Once I am the size I want to be and carry on wearing my holey shirts, daggy pants and stretched skirts.

Because of my PND I started wearing colours to lift my spirits and then through a day in the life of us, where the ever lovely Kymmie blogs and her weekly fancy pants link up I was inspired to shop for an outfit. In my size.

Since that day I have been making more of an effort. When I go out I wear one of my nice new pieces of clothing or some bling. I pop on some mascara and lip gloss and some days I even 'put my face on'. It's just been something I've been doing and I have been enjoying it.

Then, on Thursday I had a revelation. I felt good. And feeling good motivated me to pull on my runners and take the children for a walk. Inspired me to put on a Zumba DVD and shake my butt (off).

Turns out that feeling good makes you want to continue to do so, which inspires you to do things that will make you feel better. Who knew? And why didn't they tell me?

All these years, while I have been encouraging my children positively, I have been trying to encourage myself through various negative ways which simply backfire (mind blowing, I know). Why did I think that making myself feel bad about not being a certain size would get me moving? Pure craziness.

And there you have it, I've cracked the mind/body mental barrier. Well, mine, anyway. It is spectacular to realise that being good to myself will lead to me feeling good and, eventually I will feel great. Maybe even amazing.

I will work on becoming healthier and accepting that I will always have curves. Why hide them? After all, some women pay tonnes of money to be boobielicious...right?

Right?

My new Vintage Camera necklace. Love it

So, this week I am hugely grateful for Kymmie, dressing up and moments of clarity.

Now I need to find an income to fund this new fancy pants life ;)

Today I am Grateful for Dishwashers

Having spent almost three weeks living in a house FULL of people with NO dishwasher, I could barely contain my excitement last night when we walked into our unit and saw my beloved dishwasher. Honestly, those of you who don't have one and manage to keep on top of the dishes are completely amazing! I am quite overwhelmed by the amount of washing up 7 (often 8) people make. Especially when two of those people are teenage boys and need a new plate/cup for everything they eat and another two of those people are 2 and 3 years old and are capable of creating much mess without even trying.

Unfortunately, my rush of dishwasher love was soon interrupted by the discovery that when the guy came to take it away (it broke the night before we moved) to fix it, he turned off the power - for safety and all, but he didn't reconnect it... So, for the two weeks that it took him to get it back here the power was off, leaving the food we had deliberately stocked the fridge with for weekends when we would have to come down to tend to the yard and house to go bad.

And boy did it go bad.

I had the spectacular job of throwing it all out, disassembling the fridge and scrubbing it out. Melted, mouldy ice cream, rancid meat which had defrosted and bled everywhere, mushy veges... It was horrendous. Just the memory is making me feel the need to dry retch. I was pretty sure I wouldn't survive.

Our spoiled food. Let's just say I am not impressed.

 Still, I love my dishwasher.

For more Grateful posts pop over to and then there were four, who is hosting this week's linky while Maxabella has a holiday

Today I am Grateful for the Park

At the moment, James is so very tired. With moving, sickness and his new job it's been a tough few weeks for him. I have worried about the lack of time he's been spending with the children. Kahlei has been having some real attitude with him, which I think is because of that. So, I've been quite worried. I am a worrier like that.

So, this morning we all went to the park together and the girls played with Daddy. They had a blast. I felt choked up from time to time to see them all playing together so happily.

James ended our play exhausted, of course (welcome to my life), but I think it was so good for all of them.

Today, I am also grateful for Tweetdeck and that fact that I finally figured it out so that I could set up my #ausblogcon_pityparty column and try to stay away from being bombarded with happy tweets from conference goers. Although, from time to time, I did pop in to see what I was missing out on.

What are you grateful for today?
Visit Maxabella Loves... for more Grateful posts.

Today I am Grateful for CamWow

I've been pretty grumpy today - it's what happens when I get uber tired and miss out on my sleep in, but iDarkroom* gave my girls, brother and I lots of good belly laughs to lighten the day.

Beautiful much?

For more Saturday Gratefuls pop over to Maxabella Loves...

* ETA: And when I say iDarkroom I actually mean CamWow. Argh! See what happens when I miss out on my sleep in??

Today I am Grateful for You Guys

Yesterday, I asked a small favour. Thank you so those of you who went over and supported my mum. And a special thank you to those of you who went a step further and followed her. You won't regret it, I promise! I am so grateful to be a part of such a wonderful, warm and caring community.

** And I am grateful to those of you who took up my Pay It Forward challenge! Thank you a million times. If there's anyone else out there who wants to join, I still have once spot...

Today, I am also grateful for:

1. My Bubba Moe sling. We went to town and while James had a haircut The Three and I wandered around the shops, walked by the water, which Ellie so loves to do and had a generally lovely time. With Jasper all cozy in Mumma's pouch, Kahlei in her pram and Ellie holding my hand it was a smooth outing that left me refreshed and empowered. I CAN get out of the house with three children under 3 and a half and it CAN be easy, relaxed and wonderful.

2. Cakes tasting good even if they look like a disaster

3. The joyous laughter of tickles at bedtime. It might be revving them up, but how can I  not adore the fun of the three of them? So cute, I just have to share another photo!

4. Instagram. Loving it. If you have an iPhone and don't use it you should and if you DO use it I should be following you!

What are you grateful for today?

Linking up with Maxabella Loves...

** Edited to add

"Gonna be Home Late"

I hate those words. That dreaded sentence which always seems to come when I am at my worst. When they're at their worst and when all I want is for James to come home early and take the girls out of the house for an hour or so, giving Jasper a chance to nap uninterrupted and me a moments peace. It's always the way. 

The long days are always, always the ones I want cut short. Like today, with me having barely any voice, a pounding headache and a earache that's kicking my butt and Ellie having an hour and a half melt down over a three minute time out. Jasper having trouble settling and Kahlei getting into as much mischief as humanly possible. I would catch myself looking longingly at the clock only to realise my count-down could not begin.

And I do count-down. Every day. On the bad days, I watch those hands move slowly around the face of the clock and will James to come home soon to take someone off my hands, to give me a moments silence. To hold the baby, who's cried all day or play with the toddler who hasn't let up for a single moment. Or to just hold me and be my shoulder to cry on. On the good days I watch for the moment when I will finally have some adult conversation and companionship.

Tonight, I am watching the first of Oprah's Australian shows alone, which James and I were so looking forward to watching together and I was lamenting the fact that he's not here.

As I put Ellie to bed, she looked out the window and said "I'm worried Daddy's not coming home." Bless her. As I explained that Daddy, would in fact be coming home and would sneak in to tuck her in and kiss her on the head I realised just how lucky I was. He may not be home just yet, he might be missing our 'date', but he will be home.

And for that I am so very grateful.

Today I am Grateful for the ability to Speak Up + {52 Weeks} Week 27

Speak Up

This post has been kicking around my brain for a few days, but I wasn't sure I wanted to write it. Wasn't sure it was right or okay. I thought people would think me selfish and then I read Jane's (of Life of Planet Baby) latest post where she touched on what I want to say and I was reminded it's normal. What I am going through is normal.


Then, as if to cement my desire to get this out there, I had my first visit with my volunteer yesterday, a lovely woman named Sue, who the girls insist on calling 'Lady'. Back in her day PND wasn't spoken of and so she suffered in silence.

Wrist band from beyondblue.org.au - I wear it daily

And so today, I am grateful that I live in a time where Post Natal Depression is spoken of, a time where it is acknowledged by medical practitioners, mothers, fathers and there is help. When I first wrote of my struggle, I was merely using it as a form of release. I didn't realise the support I would find. After living through maybe 12 months of this in silence, by choice, I realised that I had possibly prolonged my own suffering. Because being open, talking about how I am feeling and what effects me and having people tell me they, too have suffered in the same way reminds me that I am NOT alone, I am NOT eternally flawed and I am NOT failing. I may feel like all these things but I am not.

This week and a bit has been horrible. I had no idea that learning of a fellow blogger's plight, a woman I have never met and only know through reading her amazing, witty and insightful posts, would lead to so much feeling, so much outpouring of grief from the community which surrounds her. But, more than that I realised that when people wrote comments like "Thinking of you", "praying for you" that the majority mean it. I know this now because every time I wrote that hashtag on Twitter or commented on a post in her honour I meant it. I was praying with everything I had.

And before there was even time to fully realise what had happened, Queensland was bombarded with rain. The ruin, the devastation. So much. Too much.

Everything was getting on top of me, stifling me and worst of all life went on as normal. The baby cried, his reflux played up, the girls fought, I had days of headaches and all three children became sick. All these little things piled up, on top of the big things and I felt the edges of the darkness all around. The stress. The worry. And it felt wrong. As far as I was concerned, I had no right to feel depressed about the events which had transpired. Yet, there I was wanting to climb into bed and sleep the days away, snapping at my poor darling children and grumping at my husband because it was all too much.  Then, the guilt of being so affected when I wasn't directly part of the tragedy ate at me.

As I listened to Sue's story, I was gently reminded that I am not alone in this. She shared that if this disaster had been happening back then it would have done her in, I knew I am not the only person adversely reacting to something not directly touching my life. And I am blessed to still have a healthy family, a house, a dry town. I am blessed to live in a time when speaking up about my depression does not draw scorn. And I am in a position to raise awareness, to maybe remind somebody else that they are not alone and that it's okay to ask for help.

Visit Maxabella Loves to see more Grateful posts

What are you grateful for today?

Today I am Grateful for Pink Fingernails

This has been one crazy busy week. Amazing. Enlightening. Just wow.

Today I am grateful for:

1. The Saturday Grateful link up which the lovely Maxabella hosts. I love the out pouring of gratitude which floods the blogosphere. There are so many incredible bloggers out there who inspire me with their positive outlooks.
2. Pink fingernails. I painted Ellie's nails on Monday and every time I catch a glimpse of them I can't help but smile. They're soo cute and she just loves them
3. Band aids for my blisters as we've spent HOURS shopping today
4. The reason I have Oprah Blisters. They may hurt, but when they do I remember why, how and when I got them and feel all tingly
5. Funny moments, like today when Ellie picked up a sexy hot pink bra in the shop and held it up to her chest, as if to see if it would fit. Funny Munchkin

Tell me, what are you grateful for today?

P.S. Have you read my post about going to Oprah? You know you want to ;)

Today I am Grateful for Moments

Today I am grateful for:

1. Moments Captured between James and Jasper, so sweet, innocent and beautiful
2. Moments Witnessed as Ellie and James play, filling the house with squeals of joy and laughter
3. Moments Experienced together as a family
4. Moments Shared watching our favourite show's last 2 episodes while the children sleep
5. Moments Lived

Pop over to Maxabella loves... for more Grateful goodness

Today I am Grateful for Being Home

Today I am grateful for;

1. My Doctor deciding I was well enough to leave hospital and come home to see my family
2. My beautiful baby girl, who has filled our lives with love, laughter, drama and adventure for 2 wonderful years today - Happy Birthday, Kahlei!
3. A nice cold glass of Coke
4. Blue sky for the first time in ... like, weeks
5. Being home with my lovely family <3

I haven't been slacking off on my daily gratefuls for December, I had to do them on my FB page for the past two days as our hospital didn't have Wifi available. I'll be back tomorrow to post about my hospital stay.

 

Playing along with Maxabella's Saturday Grateful

November Project Smile

Time is a funny thing. The first week and a half of November seemed to drag on and on and on, now suddenly it's December, Christmas is just around the corner and 2011 is quickly advancing on us.

November has been a big month for our family. It's been busy, exciting, exhausting and full of smiles. Here are some of my happy moments;

* Having an extra week to get ready for bub meant we had everything we needed for his arrival

* Seeing my first ever whale, watching the amazing display as the baby whale played in the ocean

* My Mum winning Oprah tickets and having me down as her guest! It seemed like it couldn't be possible, things like this don't happen to me!! So exciting!

* The arrival of my baby boy, he is so completely beautiful and perfect <3

 * That newborn smell. It's simply delicious

* My mum being here to get up to the girls in the morning, or settle Jasper when I was exhausted

* Kahlei's reaction to me feeding Jasper. Every time she sees him attached to me she looks shocked, puckers her lips and says "No! Baby!" and then tries to push me away from him. It cracks me up every single time

* How excited both girls are to hug, kiss and hold Jasper

* The special bond Ellie and Jasper already have. She lies down with him on his mat and they look at each other for ages. She talks to him and pats him and asks him how he got so tiny and he just looks at her so lovingly

Visit Alicia's blog to see what made other's smile. 

Now that we're into the last month of 2010, I thought it would be the perfect time to tackle another of my 101 in 1001 projects. Number 85 on my list is; Write 5 things I am grateful for everyday for a month and with wakeful nights, toddler tantrums, 3 year old attitude and the general craziness December brings, I thought this would be the perfect month to focus on what I am grateful for on a daily basis. It might just keep me sane!

So, today, the first day of December I am grateful for:

1. Jasper sleeping longer and settling better at night

2. Our clothes horse; otherwise we wouldn't be able to get any clothes dry in this rain!

3. Chocolate

4. James cooking dinner

5. Bed time :)

What are you grateful for today?

{52 Weeks} Week 20: Saturday Grateful

Today, in my exhausted, pained, overwhelmed and over emotional state, I am truly grateful for being alive after my recent not-so-pleasant birth experience. I really do believe there was a moment when I thought I wouldn't survive, even if it was only for a split second as the 'non exsistant' pain ripped through me or as my eyes grew heavy as the anesthetic began to work.

I am also grateful for what having a baby does for your modesty. After having Ellie I was one of those mothers who had to toddle off to the baby room to feed her, or sit in the car. Now, three babies down, I am quite comfortable to throw a wrap over my shoulder and feed where we are, rather than racing around with a screaming babe to find somewhere 'acceptable'. Today, I was able to discreetly feed my hungry man while standing in a group of people watching the magnificence of a family of whales playing off the heads. I didn't miss out, my little boy was happily filled and nobody had any idea. Not even James, who marvelled 10 minutes later at how long Jasper had gone between feeds!


And I am grateful for sleeping children. Three sleeping children to be precise.

Pop over to Maxabella's Blog for more Grateful posts

Today I am Grateful for Whales

I have always wanted to see a whale, always wanted to go whale watching, but even with living so close to parts of the coast where whales often frolic as they migrate, I simply never had.

Until today.

After a long, emotional day James decided to take us all for a drive out to the headland to allow us all to get out of the house, breath some nice fresh air and have the girls run around for awhile and wouldn't you know that as we arrived I saw an almighty splash that was a baby whale playing.

Watching him (I am not sure why, but I decided he was a boy) was amazing and I felt a calm washing over me as I marvelled at such a beautiful, wondrous, free sight.

It was exactly what I needed in that moment.

What are you grateful for today? 

Visit Maxabella's Blog to see what others are being grateful for today.

Today I am Grateful for Dandelions

The way Ellie lights up at the sight of a Dandelion growing in our lawn is something I never get tired of. They may be weeds, but for my 3 year old they're fun, magic and beautiful. After feeling sick all day and wanting to do nothing more than sleep, even when I couldn't, going outside to sit with the sun warming my back and watch Ellie's joy at having not one but three Dandelion's to wish on gave the day a much brighter outlook.

What are you grateful for today? 

Visit Maxabella's Blog to see what others are being grateful for today.

Being Grateful

Right now it's so easy to focus on how tired I am, how much pain I am in, how over being pregnant I am. It's easy to feel frustrated by my girls acting their age and having 3 year old attitude or Terrible Two tantrums. It's easy, but it's not good. Today, I want to join in with Maxabella's 'I'm Grateful For' and focus on the good things.

Today, I am grateful for;

*  Saturday Sleep ins, how I love and need them right now
*  Daddy and Daughter time. There's nothing better than seeing them play happily together
*  Tantrum free shopping. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it's bliss!
*  Easy meals after a long shop. Sometimes, I just don't want to cook...
*  Kid's apps on the iPhone for a bit of quiet time 

Visit Maxabella's blog to see what other's are grateful for today!

Also, don't forget to enter my Tinkerbell Giveaway!