Sometimes

* This was written not long after my return from Melbourne. While away I heard a whole lot about how good my children were but on my return, mere moments after I walked through the door in fact, the girls returned to their screeching, tantruming, non- sleeping ]selves *

Sometimes I wish I could go back and start again; get help from the very start and make different choices along the way.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and NOT start again; become a better, more rounded person first.

Sometimes I wonder where I have gone wrong; why are things the way they are?

Sometimes I think that if I weren't so selfish things would be better; if I wasn't so desperate to be the person at home, raising my children and instead went to work maybe they would have a better life.

Sometimes I wonder why we bothered; wasn't it meant to be better?

Sometimes I feel so completely unsure of what I am doing, where I'm going and what the next step should be that it's overwhelming.

You + PND: Know the Signs

I believe I have suffered Postnatal Depression since giving birth to Ellie in 2007, a mild case which went undiagnosed as I was too proud to find out what to look out for, too proud to go to the doctor and get medicated.

Now, three babies down and on the severe side of the PND scale I wonder how different life would be had I swallowed my pride to seek help. Obviously, I will never know but there is that part of me which believes 100% that had I been addressing my mental state right from the start I would not be have been so badly affected after the birth of Jasper. Hindsight and all that.

While I can't get back in time and smack some sense into myself, I can share my experiences and hope that it might help somebody else avoid the darkness, the guilt not to mention the hospital visit.

** Please note: I am NOT a doctor or medical professional, 

I can only share my own experiences in the hope that it might help someone

If you're worried about yourself or someone you know please 

seek medical help**

Depression is one of those illnesses where symptoms can be subjective; you may have some of the below mentioned, many or none. The important thing is to seek assistance if you are at all worried, if you think for a moment things are not right - those uneasy feelings are there for a reason.

Some things to look out for:

* Continued and excessive crying for no reason - bursting into tears over nothing day after day can be an easily missed sign that you're suffering PND. You're tired, you're emotional and it seems normal that you would react with tears; however if it goes on for an extended period and is set off by things which probably wouldn't faze you then there might be a problem.

* Sleep disruption - I know, you're probably yelling at me from the other side of your monitor that sleep disruption is part of being a new parent. And it is, however when you are suffering depression you might be finding it hard to fall or stay asleep even though you're exhausted. If bubs is asleep you should be able to take a nap if that's what you want to do.

* Anxiety - Given that you've just brought a precious little bundle into the world it is natural to worry, especially with your first child. However, with PND these natural worries can soon turn into overwhelming obsessions which can lead to sleep disruption (see above), stress and panic attacks.

* Lack of/increase in appetite - Our appetite is often the first thing that is influence, but life with a new bub can mean you don't notice or don't have time to eat anyway so it can be difficult to tell. For me, I went into my fall back position of binge eating. It should have set off alarm bells.

* Lack of motivation and interest - Finding it difficult to enjoy life, showing no interest in things which you once wanted to do, lack of sex drive and no motivation to do anything is a big sign that your mood is being affected.

* Change in character/irritability - This one might be hard to spot yourself, if your partner or family members are saying you are constantly in a bad mood then you probably are!


* Feelings - Excessive mother guilt, feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, hopelessness, distress and rejection are all feelings which stem from the negative thought process you experience with PND. Being torn down by these things can leave you drained, emotional and at breaking point.

* Physical signs - Depression can manifest itself physically, especially when it has gone untreated. Migraine, headache, flu like symptoms can all be part of your mental state effecting your physical health. Before being medicated, I was sick with nearly every bug that went around and had constant migraines. If you are constantly ill, there might be an underlying reason.

These are just a few things to look for, as I mentioned above, depression and it's symptoms can be as different and personal as each and every person and there are things you simply might not notice in the post-birth haze.

If you are worried but not convinced to go see a doctor, try the The Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale over at BeyondBlue. I have done this upward of ten times since having Jasper in November last year and it really does give you pause.

If you are worried that you are suffering from Postnatal Depression please see your doctor/midwife as soon as possible. There is no shame in admitting you are struggling and need help and you are not alone.


Other posts on You + PND:

You + PND: Know the Signs <--
You + PND: So Now What? 
You + PND: The Shame Factor {Coming Soon}

It's ALL About Me: Sleep

You can find more information about the idea behind this here. 

 

 

Do you ever think about how ironic it is that, as a teenager, you can stay up 'til all hours no trouble. Making midnight was never a struggle before children, since children I don't think I have made it into more than one New Year awake. Now that I need the stamina to stay up or get up I have none. Zip.

In the last week or so we've had sickness, sickness and a little more sickness (you know, just to shake things up), add to that a teething Little Man and it's fair to say there's not been a whole lot of sleeping going on. For anyone, really.

It is completely tempting to spend today; my second Day Care day out. Last week was so lovely and I dream of spending it in much the same way, however, I know tiredness is a trigger and grumpiness a warning that I am starting to crumble. I need to rest, recoup and get the energy back to be the kind of mother I should be. 

So, today if you need me I will be napping.

 

Don't forget to do something for YOU today!

---------------------------------------------------

To play along; all you need to do is link up a post focusing on what you've done for YOU over the past week or a photo of something that depicts something for YOU (or what you've tried to do or even why you couldn't get that time) and then visit the other participants to support their efforts.
Feel free to grab a button to add to your posts or side bar.
If you're not a blogger, but want to join in you can link a note, photo etc from another source (like FaceBook)
Be sure to link bask here to my post to get the word out.
At the end of a month, every time you have linked up gets you an extra entry into the giveaway which is focused on YOU. Your happiness. Your time.

** Please note: I have been made aware of some people trying to insert links and it not working. Ultimately, I hope to find another link tool but am finding myself at a dead-end currently. If you want to play along this week, please just put your links in the comments as that saves you time, rather than fiddling with a crappy widget!

No Fair

 

 

 

I've got my Grump on

Warning: If you're looking for my normal play post; you will find it over at Little Yo Yo Styles today as I am going to write something self-indulgent and whinge heavy here. Imagine stamping feet, crossed arms and slamming doors - teenage style.

It's no secret that Friday was a bad day after many, many long nights with a sleepless, crying baby. We went away for the weekend, Nanna had Jasper Saturday night so I could get some sleep (which left me feeling like a had a hangover, for the record), James and I went for a date and Sunday morning was also spent childless as they all went off to church with Nanna, leaving James and I to watch lifestyle programs with my Nan.

The night my mum had Jasper he woke twice, fed well and although he was awake for the hour from 4 - 5 he was good. During the day he was a darling, wooing all those around him. I heard one or two ladies coo "I don't believe you ever cry." I smiled and laughed along, he was being totally adorable after all.

Fast forward to today; at home, with no one to help out and not only has he been waking a ridiculous amount during the night he is also barely sleeping during the day, I wouldn't even call them cat naps they're that short. To top it off, if he's not briefly sleeping then he's screaming, whinging, crying and generally being a misery.

I know this will pass, it has twice before but right now all I can think is; it's not fair. We've done this to death with the girls. Why can't I be a good parent and have a child that sleeps. Why do I have to suffer through this Post Natal Depression as well as the sleeplessness, the long days, constant crying and toddler issues.

What makes me so weak. Why am I failing my children. My husband. Myself. Where's that woman who thought she would be such a good mother? Probably hiding somewhere far away from the crying, yelling, disobedience and craziness.

There is a part of me that knows all this is irrational negative talk which comes with PND, however, the rest of me believes it right now and today I don't have the energy to ward them off or counter them with positive thoughts.

It's not fair. **Slams Door**

{52 Weeks} Week 33: Beyond

 

Last night was the 6th night in a row that Jasper has spent crying for hours on end, inconsolable for the most part. There are moments of blissful silence, where he snuggles into me and closes his tired eyes but they are few and fleeting.

This morning's screaming session was particularly awesome as it woke both girls who would not go back to sleep, even though it was still dark. So, when Jasper calmed down enough to sleep there was no relieved Mumma slipping back into a much needed sleep. I have discussed my want for this colic stage to be done in a recent guest post. Now, it's more a need than a want.

Today I am beyond exhausted. I am beyond grumpy. Beyond the point of my patience wearing thin to a point where it seems I never had any in the first place. Beyond coping. Beyond the ability to be the parent I want to be. Beyond. Just beyond.

I've let them watch too much TV, yelled and not even tried to stay calm, I don't want to play and would really just like all three of them to sleep for the day. So that I can, too.

It seems my daughter's are trying their very best to push me as far as humanly possible. They scream, yell, sing at the TOP of their voice and constantly wake Jasper up, making him increasingly grumpy. No matter how many times I tell them to play quietly so he can have some sleep, they just do. not. listen.

And children know, don't they? They know you're having a bad day, they know just how to push your buttons and most annoyingly of all, they know how to be bloody cute just after you've told them off.

I feel like a complete and utter failure. My children are running wild and I am not parenting how I want to.

I absolutely know that bad nights and exhaustion are triggers for my PND, but when it's something that's so out of my control I feel like all I can do is sit and wait for the crash. Just sit and wait for days like today, where there are sultanas all over the floor, a million things to be done and I barely care.

Having learnt recently how much a bit of time to myself helps, I have tried to catch a quiet moment to regroup to no avail.

Is today over yet??

It's ALL About Me: Making the Time

You can find more information about the idea behind this here.

This is now my third week running the It's ALL About Me linky and I have had lots of positive feedback about the idea, yet have only had a total of five link ups. The recurring theme of comments is 'if/when' I get ME time I will join in. Since this past week has been crazy, I thought I would share a couple of ways to find and utilise some time for yourself. I need this list as much as any of you, because while I am adamant that this is a journey I need to be on, it's still one I struggle with.


Making the time for me simply does not come naturally to me.


* Make a List of all the things you could do, things you would like to do, things which make you happy, relaxed, engaged. List the simple, like reading a magazine or drinking a cup of coffee uninterrupted but also add those more extravagant dreams. That way, if time does unexpectedly come up and you're too faint from shock you can look at your list and choose something appropriate that's just for YOU.

*  Take an Extra 5 Minutes when going about your errands. Pop into your favourite coffee shop and sit down for a cup or take a stroll by the river before you go onto shopping, banking or the post run. That first week, when I took just a few extra minutes before doing the grocery shopping I found it really did make a difference.

* Make dates with friends, with your husband or on your own and keep them. Go out to places you don't go because you have children. Get dressed up. Have a drink.

* Pencil Yourself In when you do your weekly/monthly diary. I have already put myself down for the day my girls start Day Care. Once Jasper's down for his big nap I will be doing something that's just for me. It's something to look forward to, I see it on the calendar and get excited. Plus, having something to look forward to that day is making me a tad less stressed about the fact that they won't be with me for a whole day (what can be done about a Mother with separation anxiety? But, that's another post for another time).

* Take Your Time. I think this is a key point, for ME especially. When you do take those few moments to yourself and you know your precious children (or husband or whoever is waiting for you) are safe and happy don't rush. They will be okay for a few minutes more, in fact they probably won't even notice the added time.

In the past week I combined the second and fifth point to have a 30c ice cream with my mum (yes, I know they cost more now) after dropping the children off with Pa, even though there were three hungry boys at home waiting for lunch. We had a chat, enjoyed our little bit of down time before going to tend to those who needed us and, amazingly, the boys survived that extra five minutes waiting for us. Even with rumbling stomachs (and for the record, there was food on the table for them to make their own, we didn't actually leave them to starve).

Did I miss anything important in my points?
Now, it's your turn. What have you done for yourself recently?

---------------------------------------------------

To play along; all you need to do is link up a post focusing on what you've done for YOU over the past week (or what you've tried to do or even why you couldn't get that time) and then visit the other participants to support their efforts.
Feel free to grab a button to add to your posts or side bar.
If you're not a blogger, but want to join in you can link a note, photo etc from another source (like FaceBook)
Be sure to link bask here to my post to get the word out.
At the end of a month, every time you have linked up gets you an extra entry into the giveaway which is focused on YOU. Your happiness. Your time. 

Keep your eyes peeled for a Giveaway post later today!!

{52 Weeks} Week 30: It's ALL About Me

This post might be a little on the rambly side, but bare with me and I will (hopefully) get to the point!
If you're a regular reader, or even if you've only been here once or twice you will know I suffer from Post Natal Depression and, this time, I have decided to put it out there and live it in the open.

After my hospitalisation, my doctor prescribed that I take ME Time. I know, right? Crazy man. I liked the idea of it, why wouldn't I? I resolved to try. And I continue to resolve to try.

Every time I see my doctor he asks "Have you managed some time to yourself?" I mumble, make an excuse or two, shuffle my feet and he gives me ideas to make sure I do. Unfortunately, it never really happens because it is not always just dependant on me. Well, it's never just dependant on me. He, along with the other services I have linked in with, are making it CLEAR that this is important, that I need to do it for ME and for my family.

I've touched on wanting to do a new series of posts surrounding Mums, getting ME time to be the best you can be and doing my bit to speak up about PND. Also, I need to be accountable. That might sound ridiculous, but I know there are many of you out there who know how hard it is to put yourself first and take that step to doing something that's just for you. I need to do it, for my mental health but I just never do.

Today, Ellie and I were having our usual pre-nap chat when she told me I am "always grumpy." I sat up a bit in the bed and she looked at me, touching my face and said "That's the end of the stowy. It's the twuth." I was crushed. But, it's true. I am struggling to be anything other than grumpy at the moment. I need that time out. That break my doctor insisted I take, no matter how selfish I feel.

So, starting next Thursday I will be sharing what I have done just for ME between now and then, and I want you to join me. I have seen how so many linkies give other bloggers inspiration, ideas and the motivation to do something they might not have previously. That's what I hope to build here. It's not always easy to know what to do for yourself and it's never easy to figure out how to get the time to do them, so I am hoping we will be able to inspire each other. I have approached some companies and some uber talented people asking them to sponsor giveaways for this, to encourage those of you who participate to do something for YOU, tomorrow I will be putting up this month's sponsors in my sidebar! I am very excited and I hope you will get the vibe and play along.

Because, while what I am suggesting is basically just a blog hop, it is something we really should all do for our mental, emotional, physical and most importantly family health. I don't ever want Ellie to look me in the eye and tell me I am always grumpy. Ever. Again.

I hope some of you will come and join in. It might be fun!

Now, just a note on the actual photo for today - I packed some of my books last weekend and it distresses me to not be able to see them. I am a little OCD about my books and until we're in a new place and they're all unpacked and in their place I will be a touch anxious.

P.S. Do you love our Harry Potter doll? We got him (jointly) for Christmas...

Breaking Point

One of the nicer moments of the weekend. Jasper loves his Lamaze Octopus and I have a feeling it might just be the first thing he giggles at. He was working on a chuckle yesterday afternoon.

Unfortunately, this beautiful moment was surrounded by his constant crying which has continued on into today. The day starts well, until Ellie or Kahlei scream (tantrum or excitement, doesn't matter) and wake him and if he doesn't get the chance to resettle back to sleep then it's on. He gets too tired and cries. He becomes exhausted and cries.

And I am at that point. I can't stand it anymore, I have to walk away from the room and leave him. I'm tired and sick and stressed, so these past two days of never-ending, desperate wailing have strained my patience. Not to mention the two girls who seem to have a 'Jasper's-gone-to-sleep-must-wake-him' alarm. Seriously.

I also spent the weekend wistfully remembering when 'weekend' meant that at least one day out of the two was different to every. other. day of the week. When 'weekend' meant that I got to have a sleep in one day. How I miss that type of weekend. How I need a sleep in.

What did you do on the weekend?

Pop over to Fat Mum Slim for more Point and Shoot

Today I am Grateful for the ability to Speak Up + {52 Weeks} Week 27

Speak Up

This post has been kicking around my brain for a few days, but I wasn't sure I wanted to write it. Wasn't sure it was right or okay. I thought people would think me selfish and then I read Jane's (of Life of Planet Baby) latest post where she touched on what I want to say and I was reminded it's normal. What I am going through is normal.


Then, as if to cement my desire to get this out there, I had my first visit with my volunteer yesterday, a lovely woman named Sue, who the girls insist on calling 'Lady'. Back in her day PND wasn't spoken of and so she suffered in silence.

Wrist band from beyondblue.org.au - I wear it daily

And so today, I am grateful that I live in a time where Post Natal Depression is spoken of, a time where it is acknowledged by medical practitioners, mothers, fathers and there is help. When I first wrote of my struggle, I was merely using it as a form of release. I didn't realise the support I would find. After living through maybe 12 months of this in silence, by choice, I realised that I had possibly prolonged my own suffering. Because being open, talking about how I am feeling and what effects me and having people tell me they, too have suffered in the same way reminds me that I am NOT alone, I am NOT eternally flawed and I am NOT failing. I may feel like all these things but I am not.

This week and a bit has been horrible. I had no idea that learning of a fellow blogger's plight, a woman I have never met and only know through reading her amazing, witty and insightful posts, would lead to so much feeling, so much outpouring of grief from the community which surrounds her. But, more than that I realised that when people wrote comments like "Thinking of you", "praying for you" that the majority mean it. I know this now because every time I wrote that hashtag on Twitter or commented on a post in her honour I meant it. I was praying with everything I had.

And before there was even time to fully realise what had happened, Queensland was bombarded with rain. The ruin, the devastation. So much. Too much.

Everything was getting on top of me, stifling me and worst of all life went on as normal. The baby cried, his reflux played up, the girls fought, I had days of headaches and all three children became sick. All these little things piled up, on top of the big things and I felt the edges of the darkness all around. The stress. The worry. And it felt wrong. As far as I was concerned, I had no right to feel depressed about the events which had transpired. Yet, there I was wanting to climb into bed and sleep the days away, snapping at my poor darling children and grumping at my husband because it was all too much.  Then, the guilt of being so affected when I wasn't directly part of the tragedy ate at me.

As I listened to Sue's story, I was gently reminded that I am not alone in this. She shared that if this disaster had been happening back then it would have done her in, I knew I am not the only person adversely reacting to something not directly touching my life. And I am blessed to still have a healthy family, a house, a dry town. I am blessed to live in a time when speaking up about my depression does not draw scorn. And I am in a position to raise awareness, to maybe remind somebody else that they are not alone and that it's okay to ask for help.

Visit Maxabella Loves to see more Grateful posts

What are you grateful for today?

{52 Weeks} Week 26: Blue

Just after I left hospital and started thinking differently about taking care of myself, giving myself a lift, getting out of my daggies and putting some COLOUR back into my life I clicked onto the We Love Colors site and was instantly in love with their tights. They were bright, they were happy. They were everything I was looking for.

I decided to do something I've not done before and contacted them asking if they might be interested sending me a sample in return for me blogging about their product. I have been building an idea for a series of new posts revolving around Me Time, looking after yourself and doing my bit for reducing the stigma surrounding PND and I thought something like this was a good start. To my surprise and excitement they were very supportive of my ideas and sent me a pair of Plus Sized Nylon/Lycra Footless Tights in Neon Blue(US$16).

With Christmas and New Year being so busy, I am still working on getting my new series off the ground, so stay tuned for that, so this isn't even the post I had planned for the tights. When they arrived, I had to try them and once they were on I had to photograph them.

I was so thrilled that my love-at-first sight over the Internet translated into love-at-first wear in real life. They were everything I had hoped and did everything I wanted. I felt amazing, sleek, sexy and how can you not smile when you glance down and see your happy blue legs? It's impossible. Take my word for it.

I am positive that if I had enough pairs I would wear one a day for the rest of the summer. And then winter. I'd always be taking photos of my legs, too.

These are the shoes I wore to Oprah - I was forever doing this as the back kept slipping off my heel

Ellie has already requested a pink pair for herself and I have been making a mental wish list. James will be thrilled... but I am pretty sure I can't stop at one pair.

Watch this space, you'll be seeing these legs again.

P.S. This is a BIG thing for me. I never wear shorts, never wear skirts that don't touch the ground, and I definitely never photograph AND post my legs!!!

Playing along with Fat Mum Slim's Point and Shoot

One of THOSE Days

You know those days when you simply wake up on the wrong side of the bed and then everything goes down hill from there? Welcome to my Sunday.

The day didn't start so well, as I am lamenting the disappearance of my excitement and enthusiasm over weekends. I used to look forward to James being home, to some family time, to some alone time. Now, with James diligently working in the yard, weekends are exactly the same as weekdays. I spend 7 days a week with the girls. Sometimes, it just gets to be a bit much. Sometimes, it would be nice to have some adult conversation or to meet someone for coffee. We're stuck in this house day in, day out. I have my reasons for not wanting to walk around my neighbourhood and the only nice park is too far to walk anyway because; lets face it, I am not fit enough (and on some days not patient enough) to do that big walk right now.

With James at home, working, I figured I would take the girls out to the park in his car. It started well, they had a blast and I love to watch them play. Every time we go, they are brave enough to try something new or accomplish something they've been trying to for awhile.

An older girl, who had been watching her brother play soccer, came over to play. She asked Ellie her name, to which she replied "Ellie." The girl clarified "Ellie?" Yup. So, for some reason she decided to call her Ella. Huh? For awhile, they just ran around and then the girl started getting Ellie to follow her to do things for bigger kids - like, the hangy rubber things that you kind of monkey along...

Does that help? She's right at the bottom because, obviously, she's too little to hang on at the top. Ellie kept telling her she was too little and I was very proud that she was aware of her limits. She is willing to try things, as long as she is comfortable and I think that's an important instinct to follow.

Eventually, however, the girl did coerce her to try. I told Ellie she could try if she felt comfortable, but only if I was the one helping her. That made the girl go back to her family, leaving my girls to play merrily. I breathed a sigh of relief, I love the girls playing with others but big kids just don't realise that Ellie and Kahlei are still growing and learning.

They played with a nice little boy. Sorry, BIG boy (I made the mistake of calling him little at the park). Then, the girl came back just as another bigger girl came along. Ellie thought that she still wanted to play with her, but instead the two biggies ran around, in a more nasty way, to avoid her. I was not impressed. When Ellie almost got bowled over by the first girl I decided it was time to go.

We-hell. Ellie may still only be a toddler but spending time with a big girl had left her with a big girl attitude. She carried on as if I was murdering her, instead of saying we had to go buy bleach. Boy, can she scream! We struggled to the car, I wrestled both girls into their seats and we headed to the shop. Ellie talked happily about what she did at the playground, so I figured we'd passed the pre-three tantrum.

Feeling braver, we hopped out of the car only to have Ellie stand in the parking lot and scream at me because she didn't want to hold my hand across the road. Only Kahlei could, apparently. I have two rules while out; hold my hand on the road and don't complain when we leave (the park, store, whatever). That was two rules broken out of two. Awesome.

I grabbed her hand and we quickly crossed. I let her go on the sidewalk and started up the steps. She didn't want to hold my hand, so I figured that would be okay. Wrong. She stood there, more screaming, some stomping and carrying on. An old lady about to go up the steps asked if it would help if she held Ellie's hand (like I had dashed up the steps and denied her a hand). I explained that holding hands had been the problem to start with and she was 'just at that age'. I hate that saying, but it's becoming more and more relevant by the day.

We struggled through the store to buy bleach. Ellie insisted on pushing Kahlei in the trolley. I wasn't allowed to touch it. She would happily stop and talk to randoms, but for me she reserved attitude and disobedience.

After the longest ever run to the shop for one thing, I got Ellie to climb in Kahlei's side and sit in her seat while I put the trolley over to the side, got the bag and Kahlei out and put them in the car. I did Kahlei up, who was starting to whinge too and drove to the bakery. I stopped the car and felt very much like the thing I wanted to do was leave them both in the car while I popped in to get some rolls. I've promised myself I will never do that, not even for something quick, so I undid myself and as I went to open my door Ellie said "You didn't do me up." Holy Crap. I looked at her, she had her arms in but I hadn't come around to buckle her up. I still can't believe that I was so frustrated and rattled to not do her up. I explained how dangerous it was to not be buckled up and that she needed to tell me straight away if I ever forgot again. To which she said a blatant "No."

We got our rolls and made our way home. The whole way she whinged about not wanting to go home. Every time I turned into a street nearer to our house she got louder and more whingy.

We had lunch outside with Daddy before nap time. I thought (hoped, prayed) that it would be a nice long nap. Halfway through, as always, Kahlei woke and I went to soothe her then returned to bed with Ellie only to find she was sitting up. She screamed for half an hour about wanting to cuddle daddy. I can't say I have ever had a stronger urge to smack a child than I did in those long 30 minutes. I set my jaw and turned away from her. Nothing I said or did would stop her, so I figured I would just let it take it's course. The most annoying that was that she was exhausted and could barely keep her eyes open. Eventually, she calmed down and snuggled into my back quietly. I relaxed and closed my eyes for a sleep, only to hear James come in.

Ellie laid there and said "Daddy's here." and I said she could go out and give him a cuddle, since that was what she had carried on about, but that set off even more water works. I guess when she said she wanted to cuddle daddy she meant something completely different.

The night continued with whinging and crying from both girls and yelling from James and I. In the end I decided to give them an early dinner and put them in bed. Unfortunately, our new sleeping arrangement of both girls sleeping side-by-side (which was cute last night) and them being put to bed at the same time meant Kahlei didn't go straight to sleep like normal, instead she played and kept Ellie awake for over three hours. ARGH.

I wish I could spend all this time with them and not get so drained. I wish I didn't end up so emotionally, physically and mentally effected. I read blogs of women who seem to be able to spend every single day with their children, without ever a mention of others helping and they always seem to be able to get through life smoothly. There are always educational activities and warm-fuzzy posts. Can I be the only mother who really needs to be surrounded and supported by people I know and trust to survive this roller coaster of motherhood? I am feeling so very much like a failure. So sick of having to deal with most of this crap on my own. So annoyed that getting out of here is taking so long and that it's the reason my husband is forever in the backyard working while I wish we could be doing something as a family. I see people's happy snaps of family outings and I get jealous that we're at a point where getting out and doing something nice, or even just playing together seems to be the last thing we can do.

Now, it's time for bed and I am still cranky. House was a tear-jerker and I have a headache. At least the girls are finally asleep.