The day didn't start so well, as I am lamenting the disappearance of my excitement and enthusiasm over weekends. I used to look forward to James being home, to some family time, to some alone time. Now, with James diligently working in the yard, weekends are exactly the same as weekdays. I spend 7 days a week with the girls. Sometimes, it just gets to be a bit much. Sometimes, it would be nice to have some adult conversation or to meet someone for coffee. We're stuck in this house day in, day out. I have my reasons for not wanting to walk around my neighbourhood and the only nice park is too far to walk anyway because; lets face it, I am not fit enough (and on some days not patient enough) to do that big walk right now.
With James at home, working, I figured I would take the girls out to the park in his car. It started well, they had a blast and I love to watch them play. Every time we go, they are brave enough to try something new or accomplish something they've been trying to for awhile.
An older girl, who had been watching her brother play soccer, came over to play. She asked Ellie her name, to which she replied "Ellie." The girl clarified "Ellie?" Yup. So, for some reason she decided to call her Ella. Huh? For awhile, they just ran around and then the girl started getting Ellie to follow her to do things for bigger kids - like, the hangy rubber things that you kind of monkey along...
Does that help? She's right at the bottom because, obviously, she's too little to hang on at the top. Ellie kept telling her she was too little and I was very proud that she was aware of her limits. She is willing to try things, as long as she is comfortable and I think that's an important instinct to follow.Eventually, however, the girl did coerce her to try. I told Ellie she could try if she felt comfortable, but only if I was the one helping her. That made the girl go back to her family, leaving my girls to play merrily. I breathed a sigh of relief, I love the girls playing with others but big kids just don't realise that Ellie and Kahlei are still growing and learning.
They played with a nice little boy. Sorry, BIG boy (I made the mistake of calling him little at the park). Then, the girl came back just as another bigger girl came along. Ellie thought that she still wanted to play with her, but instead the two biggies ran around, in a more nasty way, to avoid her. I was not impressed. When Ellie almost got bowled over by the first girl I decided it was time to go.
We-hell. Ellie may still only be a toddler but spending time with a big girl had left her with a big girl attitude. She carried on as if I was murdering her, instead of saying we had to go buy bleach. Boy, can she scream! We struggled to the car, I wrestled both girls into their seats and we headed to the shop. Ellie talked happily about what she did at the playground, so I figured we'd passed the pre-three tantrum.
Feeling braver, we hopped out of the car only to have Ellie stand in the parking lot and scream at me because she didn't want to hold my hand across the road. Only Kahlei could, apparently. I have two rules while out; hold my hand on the road and don't complain when we leave (the park, store, whatever). That was two rules broken out of two. Awesome.
I grabbed her hand and we quickly crossed. I let her go on the sidewalk and started up the steps. She didn't want to hold my hand, so I figured that would be okay. Wrong. She stood there, more screaming, some stomping and carrying on. An old lady about to go up the steps asked if it would help if she held Ellie's hand (like I had dashed up the steps and denied her a hand). I explained that holding hands had been the problem to start with and she was 'just at that age'. I hate that saying, but it's becoming more and more relevant by the day.
We struggled through the store to buy bleach. Ellie insisted on pushing Kahlei in the trolley. I wasn't allowed to touch it. She would happily stop and talk to randoms, but for me she reserved attitude and disobedience.
After the longest ever run to the shop for one thing, I got Ellie to climb in Kahlei's side and sit in her seat while I put the trolley over to the side, got the bag and Kahlei out and put them in the car. I did Kahlei up, who was starting to whinge too and drove to the bakery. I stopped the car and felt very much like the thing I wanted to do was leave them both in the car while I popped in to get some rolls. I've promised myself I will never do that, not even for something quick, so I undid myself and as I went to open my door Ellie said "You didn't do me up." Holy Crap. I looked at her, she had her arms in but I hadn't come around to buckle her up. I still can't believe that I was so frustrated and rattled to not do her up. I explained how dangerous it was to not be buckled up and that she needed to tell me straight away if I ever forgot again. To which she said a blatant "No."
We got our rolls and made our way home. The whole way she whinged about not wanting to go home. Every time I turned into a street nearer to our house she got louder and more whingy.
We had lunch outside with Daddy before nap time. I thought (hoped, prayed) that it would be a nice long nap. Halfway through, as always, Kahlei woke and I went to soothe her then returned to bed with Ellie only to find she was sitting up. She screamed for half an hour about wanting to cuddle daddy. I can't say I have ever had a stronger urge to smack a child than I did in those long 30 minutes. I set my jaw and turned away from her. Nothing I said or did would stop her, so I figured I would just let it take it's course. The most annoying that was that she was exhausted and could barely keep her eyes open. Eventually, she calmed down and snuggled into my back quietly. I relaxed and closed my eyes for a sleep, only to hear James come in.
Ellie laid there and said "Daddy's here." and I said she could go out and give him a cuddle, since that was what she had carried on about, but that set off even more water works. I guess when she said she wanted to cuddle daddy she meant something completely different.
The night continued with whinging and crying from both girls and yelling from James and I. In the end I decided to give them an early dinner and put them in bed. Unfortunately, our new sleeping arrangement of both girls sleeping side-by-side (which was cute last night) and them being put to bed at the same time meant Kahlei didn't go straight to sleep like normal, instead she played and kept Ellie awake for over three hours. ARGH.
I wish I could spend all this time with them and not get so drained. I wish I didn't end up so emotionally, physically and mentally effected. I read blogs of women who seem to be able to spend every single day with their children, without ever a mention of others helping and they always seem to be able to get through life smoothly. There are always educational activities and warm-fuzzy posts. Can I be the only mother who really needs to be surrounded and supported by people I know and trust to survive this roller coaster of motherhood? I am feeling so very much like a failure. So sick of having to deal with most of this crap on my own. So annoyed that getting out of here is taking so long and that it's the reason my husband is forever in the backyard working while I wish we could be doing something as a family. I see people's happy snaps of family outings and I get jealous that we're at a point where getting out and doing something nice, or even just playing together seems to be the last thing we can do.
Now, it's time for bed and I am still cranky. House was a tear-jerker and I have a headache. At least the girls are finally asleep.
