{52 Weeks} Week 38: I've Cracked It!

Studio 21

I have long been a buyer and luster of things for 'later' , for 'when I've lost the weight'. Over the years I have hung quite a few gorgeous dresses in my wardrobe as motivation. To inspire me. And they've hung there. Mocking me. Making me question why I wasn't doing more to fit into such a garment, causing guilt until I move the offending piece to a place I can no longer see it and feel the burning shame.

Most of the things I have acquired in my misguided attempt to force myself to get fit, healthy (and hot) have ended up in the clothes bin at the Salvos.

Getting married, buying a house and having children has meant I've not had the money to fund this habit of mine, instead I have looked wistfully at garments and, instead of buying them in my size I think 'I will come back once I've done what I need to do.' Once I am the size I want to be and carry on wearing my holey shirts, daggy pants and stretched skirts.

Because of my PND I started wearing colours to lift my spirits and then through a day in the life of us, where the ever lovely Kymmie blogs and her weekly fancy pants link up I was inspired to shop for an outfit. In my size.

Since that day I have been making more of an effort. When I go out I wear one of my nice new pieces of clothing or some bling. I pop on some mascara and lip gloss and some days I even 'put my face on'. It's just been something I've been doing and I have been enjoying it.

Then, on Thursday I had a revelation. I felt good. And feeling good motivated me to pull on my runners and take the children for a walk. Inspired me to put on a Zumba DVD and shake my butt (off).

Turns out that feeling good makes you want to continue to do so, which inspires you to do things that will make you feel better. Who knew? And why didn't they tell me?

All these years, while I have been encouraging my children positively, I have been trying to encourage myself through various negative ways which simply backfire (mind blowing, I know). Why did I think that making myself feel bad about not being a certain size would get me moving? Pure craziness.

And there you have it, I've cracked the mind/body mental barrier. Well, mine, anyway. It is spectacular to realise that being good to myself will lead to me feeling good and, eventually I will feel great. Maybe even amazing.

I will work on becoming healthier and accepting that I will always have curves. Why hide them? After all, some women pay tonnes of money to be boobielicious...right?

Right?

My new Vintage Camera necklace. Love it

So, this week I am hugely grateful for Kymmie, dressing up and moments of clarity.

Now I need to find an income to fund this new fancy pants life ;)

Wordless Wednesday: YOU are Beautiful

Read my post about this here

Are we done yet?

Playing along with My Little Drummer Boys and Faith Hope and a whole lotta Love.
Also check out the I am Beautiful flickr group.

(You may notice Kahlei's absence in the photos - she was not interested in posing!!)

{52 Weeks} Week 37: I am Beautiful

My recent body image post and the subsequent comments caused me to think some more about the whole situation and I really, truly believe that there needs to be much more honesty and disclosure about these issues. Making these subjects taboo is dangerous.

It isn't easy to talk about lacking self confidence, it is uncomfortable to reveal to your children - the people you love most in the world - your most raw and vulnerable self because, as a mother you want to be strong for them but I have come to realise that revealing this part of myself is strong because it's hard yet necessary.

One of my favourite bloggers, Ashley Sisk, led me to a wonderful discovery which led to another and another and I wanted to share it with you all.

Elena, of Selfie Magic, hosts a weekly link up where you follow her tutorial, take and post a self portrait. This week's challenge is to put it out there, in the blogosphere, why you're participating in her Selfie Saturdays and to take a self portrait holding a sign saying "I am beautiful". From what I understand, this challenge is a diversion from what it was to be because of an amzingly touching and thought provoking post about being beautiful, about believing it and about modeling that exact sentiment to our children.

The last part of the challenge is to upload your portrait to the I AM BEAUTIFUL Project's Flickr stream. The project was born from one beautiful woman's desire to help others see their worth and beauty. I know there are a lot of links there, but I encourage you to go through and read them all. There are some very powerful words, thoughts and truths shared which I simply cannot do justice.

So, here's me. Being beautiful.

As for the part where I explain why I am participating? I believe my post the other day might be sufficient, even if it was written before I even knew about Selfie Saturday, but just in case...

I want to teach my children to love themselves and see their beauty as I learn to do so for myself and correct so many years of negative self-talk, eating disorders and low, low, low body image. I want to step in front of the camera and be recorded for the future and I want to like what I see.

I hope some of you will join in, too.

P.S. I am being interviewed by the wonderful Carly over at Mammarazzi today - go take a look!

On Body Image, Eating Disorders and Raising Children

My first attempt at this type of 'photo' be kind!

My girls are beautiful, completely perfect and full of a kind of confidence I envy and hope they will always possess.

However, I have a big part to play in how they develop and learn about body image, loving and looking after themselves and accepting that they are wonderful inside and out - just as they are. This is where I start to worry about my children and the on-set of puberty and exactly how their self awareness will evolve and effect their self esteem.

I have never been the most confident person. So, when I started to develop earlier than other girls I mistook the body changes I was experiencing for 'getting fat' and my self esteem took a huge hit. I spend much of my teenage years fretting over my looks, my body and shying away from being seen. I wore jumpers and long pants through winter AND summer and eventually my obsession with what I saw in the mirror led to a life of binging, purging and starving in an attempt to be 'perfect'. Or as close to.

Now, when I look back of photos of myself before the struggles of an eating disorder I wonder what I could possibly have been thinking. I was beautiful. Lovely. Just the way I was. And my distorted perception of myself led me through so much pain and heartache and never once led me to 'perfection'. Or anywhere near it.

I want to say; 'Since recovering', I have gained a lot of weight, however, I honestly think there is no full recovery. It's on going. And as an emotional eater, who has survived an eating disorder but never felt beautiful enough. Slim enough. Never sure my curves were as they should be, who has had three children in 3 and a half years and been suffering from Post Natal Depression, I have taken on emotional eating. No surprises there.

And there have been low times of binging, especially before being diagnosed and treated for PND. Times which led to my disappointing my husband in a way I never imagined I would when he found my empty coke bottles, chocolate wrappers, lolly packets. At the time, I felt that eating those things was the only thing I had control over. It gave me a momentary mood-stabilisation with the sugar rush which made me think maybe I could fix everything with food.

Obviously, the logical part of me knew that wasn't so; otherwise I would not have been hiding what I was doing from James, but that part of me is easily silenced and not very well practised (just ask James, logic isn't my strong point).

My experiences leave me full of concern. How do I teach my children to love themselves when I still sometimes find it hard to look in the mirror (not often)? Especially, when it seems children are growing up all-too-fast these days. They want to wear bras, make up and high heels when they should still be dressing up as fairies, princesses and pirates. They want to be thinner than ever before. They want to be that elusive 'perfect'. When, really, they already are, they just can't see it and by the time they can it could be too late.

Since the moment I found out we were having a girl I have been fraught with guilt that I do not know how to convey a positive body image to my children. It has been something that has played on my mind, yet something that I have never been able to quite grasp exactly what my part in this is. The more I thought and worried about it the less I could comprehend exactly how I could model a positive attitude in terms of body.

The negative self talk left me stagnant, scared and incapable.

Ellie's recent obsession with The Biggest Loser has brought the issue to the fore again and offered us opportunities to talk openly about being healthy and body image. She is very interested in the transformations she can see in the contestants and asks any questions she has and having the visual example to fall back on, I have found it easier than I first thought to speak positively and truthfully about the issues raised.

Now that there is an open dialog, which has happened naturally through her interests I have started thinking about what else I can do to build my children up in this area. Sure, I've always told them daily how gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful and amazing they are but now it is time to take a more active approach to helping them see their worth and beauty as they are.

The first thing I need to do is work on me. I need to find a happy balance with my body. I need to get healthy and fit. NOT skinny. I need to work on the thoughts that could possibly lead me to focusing on the wrong goals. And I need to show my children how I look after and love my own body.

I can see many opportunities to build on what Ellie and I have discussed already; to talk about the beauty of all shapes and sizes, to question what the media tells us beauty and success is, to give her the tools to quiet negative self talk and encourage her to listen to her body.

I have realised it's a journey we can take together; I don't need to be perfect to instill these qualities in my children. I have not failed because I have struggled thus far. All is not lost.

We do not live an unhealthy lifestyle, however there is room for improvement, especially for me and this week I intend to start. More exercise. More positivity. More self love. For my health and for their self esteem.

{52 Weeks} Week 26: Blue

Just after I left hospital and started thinking differently about taking care of myself, giving myself a lift, getting out of my daggies and putting some COLOUR back into my life I clicked onto the We Love Colors site and was instantly in love with their tights. They were bright, they were happy. They were everything I was looking for.

I decided to do something I've not done before and contacted them asking if they might be interested sending me a sample in return for me blogging about their product. I have been building an idea for a series of new posts revolving around Me Time, looking after yourself and doing my bit for reducing the stigma surrounding PND and I thought something like this was a good start. To my surprise and excitement they were very supportive of my ideas and sent me a pair of Plus Sized Nylon/Lycra Footless Tights in Neon Blue(US$16).

With Christmas and New Year being so busy, I am still working on getting my new series off the ground, so stay tuned for that, so this isn't even the post I had planned for the tights. When they arrived, I had to try them and once they were on I had to photograph them.

I was so thrilled that my love-at-first sight over the Internet translated into love-at-first wear in real life. They were everything I had hoped and did everything I wanted. I felt amazing, sleek, sexy and how can you not smile when you glance down and see your happy blue legs? It's impossible. Take my word for it.

I am positive that if I had enough pairs I would wear one a day for the rest of the summer. And then winter. I'd always be taking photos of my legs, too.

These are the shoes I wore to Oprah - I was forever doing this as the back kept slipping off my heel

Ellie has already requested a pink pair for herself and I have been making a mental wish list. James will be thrilled... but I am pretty sure I can't stop at one pair.

Watch this space, you'll be seeing these legs again.

P.S. This is a BIG thing for me. I never wear shorts, never wear skirts that don't touch the ground, and I definitely never photograph AND post my legs!!!

Playing along with Fat Mum Slim's Point and Shoot

Just Me

Today I join in a blogger movement started by a blog post by Jodie Ansted over at Mummy Mayhem. I happened upon the post about Bloggers Without Makeup, to read about the idea and see what lead Jane to think it up go to her original post here.

Now, I have to admit that while yesterday I felt inspired and loved the idea today I am much more nervous and unsure about participating. Truth be told, I have taken a peak at quite a few of the posts linked up to Jane's post today and I think all the bloggers are just so beautiful. Without their makeup and all. I had to stop reading, as I was beginning to think about not posting. Or taking another photo, trying to make the 'real' me look as good as possible. Which would defeat the purpose of joining in.

So, before I chicken out:

This is me, in all my grumpy morning glory. Spots, uneven skin tone, swollen eye and funny shaped nose. For this photo to have seen the light of day before now firstly, I would have put on some foundation, lip gloss and mascara. It would be taken on a different angle to illiminate double chins and to make my nose look like it's not lopsided. Then, there would have been many takes, to get the 'right' one. Then I might do some touch up in photoshop, depending on how I was feeling and what look I was going for.

Like so many others, I have never really felt pretty or beautiful and because of this I am rarely in front of the camera. And when you're always behind the lens, there tends to be so many family experiences where there's no 'proof' of me being there. In years to come looking at family photos there will be no record of me.

I want something different for my girls. I want them to love themselves and value themselves. How do I help them be well adjusted, confident women when I struggle myself? Something to work towards, I suppose.