{52 Weeks} Week 45: Approaching 28

Before I go on with this post, I should put up the few photos I've missed posting. I've taken them each week, though. I know, slack.

Week 42: Walk on the Mount

Week 43: Bloggers Brunch!

Week 44: Try Not to Smile, please.

Week 45: Approaching 28

Yes - the photo for this week is totally (and obviously) photoshopped, right down to those entirely too long eyelashes (if only they were actually that long). Why? Well, as I was picking my photo for this week I was thinking about my impending birthday and James' question of "What do you want?" as well as my whole It's All About ME thing.

I was thinking about what my face would look like if I'd had facials, or how much longer my eyelashes would seem with a tint and wondering if coloured contacts could ever suit me. Not that I necessarily want to do these things, but it was fun imagining while I played with my photo.

As I was musing the conclusion I came to was simply this; my birthday should be all about pampering, indulgence and spoiling - in short, all about me.

Let's do some dreaming, shall we?

For my 28th birthday I would like....

... To have an indulgent weekend away; staying somewhere deliciously fancy, sleeping late, doing breakfast, strolling past sights and sipping on cocktails*

... A family weekend away; staying somewhere family friendly, going to the zoo and/or aquarium, visiting parks and having fun

... A stay at a cosy B&B; where I can curl up by the fire, drink perfect hot chocolate and read a book undisturbed all while roasting marshmallows

Notice a theme here?

What would you ask for?

* In the interest of honesty - I've never had a cocktail, so I am unsure if you sip them as such?

{52 Weeks} Week 40 + 41: Me. Nervous

Travels

Me. Nervous

Last Thursday, I wrote about how I wanted a little success from this blog. The very next day I received an invite to a televised event on the 6th of May. The mere invite had me so thrilled, even though I figured a trip to Melbourne was off the cards for me. I wasn't even going to ask James what he thought; though I did proudly forward the email to James, feeling a little special.

Then, I thought about it some more. I did really, really want to go and I had put it out there. It all had a feeling of 'meant to be'; you know, that warm fuzzy, excited and nervous mix in your belly. So, I changed my mind about asking if there was a way.

James said yes, basically from the very start. As we brainstormed exactly how it would work, I started to panic. I was worried about our finances, which made it easy to start making excuses. I am not a great socialiser. I suffered social-phobia in my teens and I've never quite felt comfortable in social situations since.

Thoughts of "what if they don't like me?", "what if they sent the invitation to me in error?" or "what if I make a fool of myself?" started running through my head. I find it so much easier to imagine myself sitting alone in a corner, an outcast than it is to imagine going into a group of people (whether I know them or not) and being liked. Even to me that sounds crazy. But, it's true.

I found myself saying "We can't afford it, I won't go" and half hoping he'd agree while the rest of me was hoping he'd tell me we could. If I decided not to go, I wanted it to seem (to me as well as others) like it was because of finances as apposed to me being chicken.

This year I am tackling my attitude toward myself, my self image, my PND, my health, why not jump right in and attack this social ineptitude. I want to make friends and go out. I want to go to this brunch. And so, I said yes. Sent in my RSVP and allowed Kirsty and James to figure out the best way to get me there (I am NO help in such areas).

I followed my brave 'yes' up by finding out who else would be in attendance. Which, maybe I should have done before confirming my place... because once I saw the wonderful, amazing women who are also going to be there. I have to admit I am quite overwhelmed. Entirely apprehensive.

All the while being so excited I feel the urge to randomly jump up and down before worrying again exactly how it will go.

The long and the short of it is that in two weeks I will be with my two favourite girls; Kirsty and Casey after meeting and spending time with women I know only through their blogs, women who I look up to. I feel a bit like I am off to meet celebrities.

On top of the thrill of 'the event', as I like to call it, I am delirious about the fact that I am going to Melbourne for the first time. Even if I will only be there a little over a day, as we're driving down Thursday and back Saturday. I cannot wait!

(I go from excitement to nervousness quite quickly and frequently)

So, in my short first stay in the city of Melbourne what should I absolutely see/experience?

{52 Weeks} Week 37: I am Beautiful

My recent body image post and the subsequent comments caused me to think some more about the whole situation and I really, truly believe that there needs to be much more honesty and disclosure about these issues. Making these subjects taboo is dangerous.

It isn't easy to talk about lacking self confidence, it is uncomfortable to reveal to your children - the people you love most in the world - your most raw and vulnerable self because, as a mother you want to be strong for them but I have come to realise that revealing this part of myself is strong because it's hard yet necessary.

One of my favourite bloggers, Ashley Sisk, led me to a wonderful discovery which led to another and another and I wanted to share it with you all.

Elena, of Selfie Magic, hosts a weekly link up where you follow her tutorial, take and post a self portrait. This week's challenge is to put it out there, in the blogosphere, why you're participating in her Selfie Saturdays and to take a self portrait holding a sign saying "I am beautiful". From what I understand, this challenge is a diversion from what it was to be because of an amzingly touching and thought provoking post about being beautiful, about believing it and about modeling that exact sentiment to our children.

The last part of the challenge is to upload your portrait to the I AM BEAUTIFUL Project's Flickr stream. The project was born from one beautiful woman's desire to help others see their worth and beauty. I know there are a lot of links there, but I encourage you to go through and read them all. There are some very powerful words, thoughts and truths shared which I simply cannot do justice.

So, here's me. Being beautiful.

As for the part where I explain why I am participating? I believe my post the other day might be sufficient, even if it was written before I even knew about Selfie Saturday, but just in case...

I want to teach my children to love themselves and see their beauty as I learn to do so for myself and correct so many years of negative self-talk, eating disorders and low, low, low body image. I want to step in front of the camera and be recorded for the future and I want to like what I see.

I hope some of you will join in, too.

P.S. I am being interviewed by the wonderful Carly over at Mammarazzi today - go take a look!

{52 Weeks} Week 34: Sick and Week 35: Post FDC Glow?

Week 34: Sick

Last week I ended up too sick to post my {52 Weeks} pic, though I did manage to take one just before slipping off to sleep. Grainy and gross but true and that's the whole point of this project (mostly), I guess.

Week 35: Post FDC Glow?

I took this yesterday, while I was still in a stupor over my most recent purchases and reveling in a post (Family) Day Care glow. Before the world went mad. WHY did nobody tell me the Day After my children would not be the little Angels I assumed they would be? How is it that no one mentioned that the Day After Day Care isn't a peaceful, loving, quiet and fun day as we all soaked in the awesomeness that was the day before.

Instead, my girls were screaming, fighting, crazy people who's ears had suddenly and mysteriously lost their batteries (all things work on batteries in this house). My post FCD glow did not last long. At. All.


Please tell me next Friday will be different?

{52 Weeks}: Week 32: Ready or Not

We've just come home from a weekend away. We travelled 5 hours to go to a Family Day Care interview and to meet the carer we'd chosen. Both girls will start Day Care on the 10th of March.

Am I ready?

{52 Weeks} Week 31: I Wish

I wish I was able to spend a day reading leisurely, curled up on my bed, immersed in an adventure of mammoth proportions, indulging my funny bone in the Disc World or taken away to a magical world to experience sights, sounds and life in a completely different way. Just for a day.

{52 Weeks} Week 29: Ouchies

This is me just after having a wisdom tooth extracted today. I was up most of the night last night, unable to sleep because of the pain. I was up at stupid o'clock googling 'fast home remedies' and making horrid concoctions which left me feeling like I had eaten a salty sausage. I went through 3 trays of ice and didn't get a moments peace to even contemplate sleep until 4.30am, at which point my Little Man woke up.

Not the best night I've ever had. Thankfully the culprit is now gone and once it's all healed I will be all good. Who knew I would one day be saying "Thank goodness for Dentists!"

{52 Weeks} Week 21 & 22

Week 21: Mental

Week 22: After the Rain

Last Friday, the last thing I wanted was to take a photograph of myself, I wasn't sure I could. I wasn't sure, as I sat alone in a bare room where people are protected from themselves by the safety measures implemented (no, I wasn't interested in hurting myself but I was very aware of the 'padding' surrounding me), I could stand to look at myself. I wasn't sure of much at all.

I took one, purely because I'd made a commitment to take a self portrait a week for a year and it felt wrong to not take one. I took only one and returned my camera to it's case without  a glance, giving myself no option for choosing the best shot for the week and completely forgot about it.

Today, I am glad I took it. I'm amazed how different things are looking already. I'm relieved I stepped out of my comfort zone and accepted help from the services available and after this week, I know it's going to be a tough road, but I also know that with the help of James, my parents, my Doctor and the people I have been linked with, not to mention the support of so many amazing bloggers and online friends I will get through this. As so many others have before me.

Today I am grateful for:

1. The difference a week makes
2. My iPhone and it's ability to keep Ellie content, not to mention all that it's teaching her. Not just in terms of the apps she uses but also in terms of technology and fine motor skills
3. Dry clothes after a week of struggling to get them all washed and dried
4. Sleep. Beautiful, glorious sleep
5. My mum being so sweet and wonderful and buying the top I wanted to get for Oprah

What are you grateful for today?

{52 Weeks} Week 20: Saturday Grateful

Today, in my exhausted, pained, overwhelmed and over emotional state, I am truly grateful for being alive after my recent not-so-pleasant birth experience. I really do believe there was a moment when I thought I wouldn't survive, even if it was only for a split second as the 'non exsistant' pain ripped through me or as my eyes grew heavy as the anesthetic began to work.

I am also grateful for what having a baby does for your modesty. After having Ellie I was one of those mothers who had to toddle off to the baby room to feed her, or sit in the car. Now, three babies down, I am quite comfortable to throw a wrap over my shoulder and feed where we are, rather than racing around with a screaming babe to find somewhere 'acceptable'. Today, I was able to discreetly feed my hungry man while standing in a group of people watching the magnificence of a family of whales playing off the heads. I didn't miss out, my little boy was happily filled and nobody had any idea. Not even James, who marvelled 10 minutes later at how long Jasper had gone between feeds!


And I am grateful for sleeping children. Three sleeping children to be precise.

Pop over to Maxabella's Blog for more Grateful posts

{52 Weeks} Week 18 & 19

 Week 18: Hospital

Last week, I had organised mum to post my photo for last week. I managed to take one and all, but then I didn't give her access to post. So, here are both week's pics, both taken on my iPhone as it's too difficult to hold bubs and my 550D for a shot :)

Week 19: My Boy

{52 Weeks} Week 17: Pregnant

Of course, I am sure you all realise by now that I am pregnant, so the title of today's post might be a little pointless ;) but, as my last pregnancy enters it's last week I am still amazed at the things that still take me by surprise and thought I might share some of my thoughts and musings (okay, ramblings) about pregnancy for this; my last belly shots for my {52 Week} Project.

The idea for this post came to me the other day as I went to the shop on my own and noticed myself in the reflection of the window. I know it's general knowledge that heavily pregnant women waddle, but I don't feel like I have been. When I go out with the girls and hold their hands, I feel there might be a tiny sway but no waddle, so imagine my surprise when I saw myself walking across the road in full waddle. Like extreme waddle. Like each step made my whole belly point in the opposite direction than it had been. 

I know I have a huge bump, I can feel the discomfort all the time and yet I often manage to walk into doors, walls, furniture... I have no idea how it happens.

I can't fathom how this little man can be comfortable tucking his feet up under my ribs, sticking his butt out and jamming his head into my bits. I know it's nothing short of painful for me, but for some reason this is his favourite position.

And why has my husband had all the weird cravings through out all three pregnancies? I don't think I am complaining, although I will never have a great strange craving story to tell in years to come.

During all three pregnancies I have wondered wondered about these women who love being pregnant. Who glow and feel amazing. Are they real? Or do we feel like we should feel like that since we're growing something so amazing? I have never felt great, never had a glow, never ever loved it. I remember feeling bad going through my pregnancy with Ellie, wondering why I wasn't a glower but I have since come to accept I just have crummy reactions to pregnancy!

Another thing I am currently wondering about is how is it that something so small and so light when you finally hold them in your arms feels a whole lot like carrying an elephant? I can't believe the pain this little thing has had me in. Women who suffer through SPD and then decide they can put their body through that again for another bundle of joy are amazing. This pregnancy has done me in. I simply can't imagine going back.

And do we get our brains back? I don't feel like I have. But, this time around my baby brain is sooo different to what I had with the girls. With them my head was constantly fuzzy, like I was walking around with a cloud stuffed in my head. I knew there were things I couldn't remember, I knew that I should know what a certain word was but simply couldn't get my thoughts going. This time around it's kind of just nothing. I don't realise I am forgetting or that I should know something or other or that I should be thinking.  There's just no energy left for such things.

Mostly, I am amazed that my body can grow these perfect little people. Amazing that all this pain, discomfort and weird body stuff is worth it a thousand fold because at the end there is something so beautiful and precious and you forget and go through it all again (well, until you stop, hehe).

And that, dear friends is my pregnant brain-spew. If it makes no sense refer to the part about baby brain...

 

{52 Weeks} Week 16: It's All Relative

With less than 2 weeks until Phoenix arrives, I wanted to dedicate this and next week's {52 Week} photos to my belly.... Hmm, I am getting a sense of de ja vu. Oh, right - this is exactly how I started last week's post.

This week, I should be saying 'with only 6 days to go' however this week's visit to my OB saw my booking date pushed back a week, now we will be meeting our baby on the 11th of November. Somehow, he had managed to miscalculate dates and had me booked in too early. He thought I was going to be mad and try to fight his decision to wait a week, however, when a single week doubles my child's risk of having breathing difficulties and ending up in a humidicrib or flown to Canberra there is no choice in the matter. Of course I will wait a week for his health.

So, good news for the bub. Not so good news for me. I am at a point where my pain is simply off the scales. I feel like I have pulled every muscle in my belly, upper legs, back and upper bottom. The most simple tasks are ridiculously difficult to tackle and Phoenix, unnecessarily, has his feet tucked up under my ribs so he can stick his bot-bot out and make his wriggling as painful as humanly possible.

And the exhaustion. Another week of being too uncomfortable to sleep, most nights I am not able to doze off until after 2 and often by then I need to make a visit to the little girl's room. It's getting a bit old, really.

The hardest thing is that I seem to have taken an emotional hit. I am truly, very happy to be waiting until it's safer for Phoenix to be born and somewhat relieved but the tension, the excitement, the fear along with my looking so forward to the end of my pain has all churned together at the changes and left me frazzled, raw and often on the verge of (if not in) tears.

Some days I wonder how I will survive, how I will get through an extra week with this pain, but I know it's worth it and I know I will manage. Probably with lots of whinging ;)

Wordless Wednesday: 36 Weeks, 5 Days

 Me: Are you excited about having a baby brother soon?

Ellie: Nah... You can have mine.

{52 Weeks} Week 15: Nearing the End

With less than 2 weeks until Phoenix arrives, I wanted to dedicate this and next week's {52 Week} photos to my belly. I wasn't able to get too creative with this one, so I got James to snap a few while the girls were talking to, hugging, kissing and touching my belly at story time.

With so little time to go, Kahlei's finally decided there's a baby in my belly and that it's not a bot-bot, although, she still doesn't look convinced as she hugs me here!

{52 Weeks} Week 14: Creativity Fail

This month, with my new camera in tow and before my Little Man arrives, I thought I would attempt to participate in the October Photo Hunt.  A Self-Portrait is on the list of things to photograph and recently, some of the bloggers I follow have been showing off some amazingly inspired, creative and well shot self-portraits.

I got all inspired. With tripod and camera in tow I set about recreating my simply brilliant idea. Major fail. Shot after shot was a disaster. I was not loving them at all. And not just because they were of me, they just weren't what I envisaged. Nothing at all like what I had in my head. I couldn't get the focus I wanted, I couldn't work with the model (difficult miss) and every time I moved from the tripod the girls thought it was their cue to run over and try to 'take my photo'.

So, I ended up doing the same old, same old. Boring. Hopefully, I can learn something new and exciting before the end of my 52 weeks, otherwise it's going to be a tedious 38 weeks ahead...

If you want to see some great portraits visit these great bloggers:
Ramblings and Photos by Ashley Sisk
Aurora of Photo Freak
Sophie from Little Gumnut
and if you want LOTS of inspiration, check out the Facing Myself link up over at the The Old Nichols Farm.

{52 Weeks} Week 13: Bathurst 1000

I did manage to remember to take my 52 Weeks pic in the midst of the thrills and spills of the Bathurst 1000. I simply didn't manage to post it! This is Phoenix and I watching Co-Driver practice, turns out my little Bubba Boy has a passion for the Great Race already, as today - the day of the race - every time the V8's thundered past us he would wriggle and kick me in the ribs. That's a whole lot of wriggling and kicking during a 161 lap, 6hr 12 minute (and 51 Second) race...

And for the record, our team came 1st and 2nd after a hard fought race, for the first 1, 2 team win in 26 years. Team Vodafone rocked it today :) As Ellie told our Craig Lowndes cutout yesterday after coming home from the Top 10 Shootout "I saw you drive today. I am prouda of you."

{52 Weeks} Week 12:

I feel like I have wanted this forever and since finding out she was actually coming, I have been planning, dreaming and imagining our future together. A future full of magic, beauty and captured moments.

Now, unexpectedly, she is here. The knock on the door was so unexpected and here we sit. The girls are outside, James is at work and so it's just us.

She's beautiful. Sleek, sexy, curves in all the right places. This, the perfect time to get to know her in privacy is ticking past, as I just sit and look. There is so much to know and I want to know everything.

I am completely besotted. Completely. And after waiting so long and spending much time planning I am nervous. I don't know where to start or what to do. I can't believe she's mine. All mine.

But, she is and that's a little overwhelming. If only she came with a manual.

Oh. Wait....

** I wrote this yesterday, when the delivery man came, but I had an important Project Smile post to do, so I decided to post it with today's photo and yes, it's lame **