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| My first attempt at this type of 'photo' be kind! |
However, I have a big part to play in how they develop and learn about body image, loving and looking after themselves and accepting that they are wonderful inside and out - just as they are. This is where I start to worry about my children and the on-set of puberty and exactly how their self awareness will evolve and effect their self esteem.
I have never been the most confident person. So, when I started to develop earlier than other girls I mistook the body changes I was experiencing for 'getting fat' and my self esteem took a huge hit. I spend much of my teenage years fretting over my looks, my body and shying away from being seen. I wore jumpers and long pants through winter AND summer and eventually my obsession with what I saw in the mirror led to a life of binging, purging and starving in an attempt to be 'perfect'. Or as close to.
Now, when I look back of photos of myself before the struggles of an eating disorder I wonder what I could possibly have been thinking. I was beautiful. Lovely. Just the way I was. And my distorted perception of myself led me through so much pain and heartache and never once led me to 'perfection'. Or anywhere near it.
I want to say; 'Since recovering', I have gained a lot of weight, however, I honestly think there is no full recovery. It's on going. And as an emotional eater, who has survived an eating disorder but never felt beautiful enough. Slim enough. Never sure my curves were as they should be, who has had three children in 3 and a half years and been suffering from Post Natal Depression, I have taken on emotional eating. No surprises there.
And there have been low times of binging, especially before being diagnosed and treated for PND. Times which led to my disappointing my husband in a way I never imagined I would when he found my empty coke bottles, chocolate wrappers, lolly packets. At the time, I felt that eating those things was the only thing I had control over. It gave me a momentary mood-stabilisation with the sugar rush which made me think maybe I could fix everything with food.
Obviously, the logical part of me knew that wasn't so; otherwise I would not have been hiding what I was doing from James, but that part of me is easily silenced and not very well practised (just ask James, logic isn't my strong point).
My experiences leave me full of concern. How do I teach my children to love themselves when I still sometimes find it hard to look in the mirror (not often)? Especially, when it seems children are growing up all-too-fast these days. They want to wear bras, make up and high heels when they should still be dressing up as fairies, princesses and pirates. They want to be thinner than ever before. They want to be that elusive 'perfect'. When, really, they already are, they just can't see it and by the time they can it could be too late.
Since the moment I found out we were having a girl I have been fraught with guilt that I do not know how to convey a positive body image to my children. It has been something that has played on my mind, yet something that I have never been able to quite grasp exactly what my part in this is. The more I thought and worried about it the less I could comprehend exactly how I could model a positive attitude in terms of body.
The negative self talk left me stagnant, scared and incapable.
Ellie's recent obsession with The Biggest Loser has brought the issue to the fore again and offered us opportunities to talk openly about being healthy and body image. She is very interested in the transformations she can see in the contestants and asks any questions she has and having the visual example to fall back on, I have found it easier than I first thought to speak positively and truthfully about the issues raised.
Now that there is an open dialog, which has happened naturally through her interests I have started thinking about what else I can do to build my children up in this area. Sure, I've always told them daily how gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful and amazing they are but now it is time to take a more active approach to helping them see their worth and beauty as they are.
The first thing I need to do is work on me. I need to find a happy balance with my body. I need to get healthy and fit. NOT skinny. I need to work on the thoughts that could possibly lead me to focusing on the wrong goals. And I need to show my children how I look after and love my own body.
I can see many opportunities to build on what Ellie and I have discussed already; to talk about the beauty of all shapes and sizes, to question what the media tells us beauty and success is, to give her the tools to quiet negative self talk and encourage her to listen to her body.
I have realised it's a journey we can take together; I don't need to be perfect to instill these qualities in my children. I have not failed because I have struggled thus far. All is not lost.
We do not live an unhealthy lifestyle, however there is room for improvement, especially for me and this week I intend to start. More exercise. More positivity. More self love. For my health and for their self esteem.
